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the-darklings · 4 years ago

Note

Not gonna lie, Lucien grabbed me by the throat since the first attack on V and then my heart by the sewers scene ;; if you have time, could you mayhabs give us Luci stans a lil something with V? 👀

nature of doubt.

⤫ notes: so this is actually based in that original world I keep alluding to post-coa and uh,, Lucien and V actually have a very different relationship here (tho this piece isn’t considered entirely canon for them, either) and you’re getting a backseat into that relationship. Lucien/Reader is established here - more or less, considering how he is.

⤫ pairing: lucien x f!reader (+clara (oc!v)

⤫ word count: 4.4k+

“You can’t keep doing this.”

Your feet halt sharply at the sound of those words, startled into an acute silence.

The night hums around you, and you lean against the side of the greenhouse, peering through the blur of the glass. Humid heat keeps you warm from the night chill and you slow your breaths in order to hear better. You’ve come up to the terrace because you couldn’t sleep for the life of you, caught in your turbulent thoughts as you were.

Lucien being back should make you happy but something is different this time. You’ve kissed him and hugged the moment he came close enough to touch, and that might have led to a long and strenuous session in your shared bed. Bites and kisses and nails against the skin—just him, raw and passionate, and…

He always comes back from his disappearances with an appetite of a starved man—cruel, dangerous, prowling thing. Always dancing on that line of pain and pleasure. Never pushing more than you ask but there had been a strange detachment this time, a drift you know he felt as well.

Something, this time, felt emptier than usual. For both of you.

Coming up here so late has been more about getting some fresh air to clear your mind and get rid of that gnawing, traitorous whisper of soft brown hair. Hazel eyes and shoulder against yours when you replanted one of hundred plants in her greenhouse.

And it’s because of that, that you recognise the owner of that low, smooth feminine voice that speaks.

“Doing what?”

Of course, it’s him. Of course, the two most nocturnal members of the Pit of Vipers are the ones you have managed to stumble upon.

Instincts scream at once. They’re beyond dangerous individually much less together, and if they caught you spying they might be angry. Disappointed. That thought sits like curdled milk inside your stomach, tart and bitter.

Still. There is something that moves your body. Some need, a draw.

Leaning over the edge of the greenhouse, you spot the shadowed figures of Clara and Lucien. The latter stands with his back to you, his wispy blonde hair loose in the wind, a mess from your running your fingers through it earlier. Hungry. You had been just as hungry and just as needy for his touch.

Yet for some reason it…

It hadn’t been the same.

You love him so much, you do, and you think that maybe—just maybe—there is something inside his chest too. A small, fond thing you so rarely catch glimpses of but know is there.

Clara, on other hand, stands with her arms crossed over her chest, one side of her face bathed with terrace lights. It cuts a terrible, steely line—one dark, one light; and you suppose that’s only right too.

She’s tense though, her stare set as she drills holes into the side of Lucien’s pale head.

You know full well that is a terrifying position to be in. Her stare is downright chilling on a good day. Even more so when she’s angry. It’s made worse, you think, by the fact that she has a face that looks like it should be smiling. It’s a face made for kindness.

She hasn’t smiled once since you’ve met her. It stings more because you know she used to. Noah told you as much once; a sad, thoughtful expression crumpling his sharp, friendly features with sorrow.

Not since him.

The one no one speaks of openly, and certainly not Clara herself. A man with glaciers in his eyes, and tar-black heart.

“Disappearing like you do,” she says flatly, a fine lace of irritation in her voice.

Lucien clicks his tongue, shaking his head in amusement. “It’s what I’ve always done,” he returns dismissively. And you know that it’s an answer that will not go down well. He disappeared for so long you were starting to doubt he would ever return. Clara, since then, had been even more solitary and distant. You’ve always thought that Lucien needed her more than she needed him but this disappearance has proven different. “How is this time any different?”

She doesn't respond right away. It’s as if considering his question, wondering if he actually means those words and you swallow.

You shouldn't be here.

This is a private conversation and yet…

You’ve been just as disappointed by his actions. And you know that if you asked he would not answer.

He answers to no one but her—his leader, the only one he trusts and has chosen—and perhaps that’s the only way for you to get a glimpse into him as well. Find out where his head is at.

It was not so long ago that their bond used to make you jealous and insecure. A tiny part of you still has doubts—it’s hard not to, not with the looks they share, the mute acceptance between them, the way you sometimes just find them sitting together, shoulder to shoulder—but ever since Lucien’s last disappearance something has changed.

“You were gone for months,” she states briskly, her voice icy, and a shiver races down your spine hearing it. She doesn’t raise her voice. It’s smooth, controlled; a pleasant, ordinary string of words. She stands there, and simply looks at him, and it’s terrible somehow. “Even Step couldn’t find you. I couldn’t find you,” she adds after a slight pause, the tiniest of catches in her voice.

You’ve heard that catch a handful of times in the past. Mostly in the shadowed greenery of her greenhouse. Where you sometimes found the viper curled up and resting, hiding away from the world. You’ve tried sitting by her like Lucien sometimes does. It made you feel special, near euphoric the first time she allowed you to hold her hand in silent comfort. The first time she leaned her head on your shoulder.

The way she had sagged against you—atlas on her shoulders, expression fragile, soft—had stuck with you for a long time. So long, you can’t help but see it now.

This is the first fracture you’ve seen in her demeanour in weeks though. She’s so controlled for how Lucien is untamed. But demons that stir under the Viper’s skin might be worse than his and somehow…

That thought is as thrilling as it is terrifying.

The blonde doesn’t take much note of her words. Still staring out towards the twinkling New York streets. “Yes, I imagine it was rather annoying for him,” he says, deliberately avoiding her softer admission, an open fear. “Such a pity.”

It's wrong to say. Right now when every muscle in Clara’s body seems to have gone so taut with tension she bristles. Then, follows fire.

It thickens the air and even some distance away, hugged and hidden away by the shadows, you can feel something volatile bubbling in the air between them. It becomes near suffocating the longer Lucien remains impassive and disinterested in their conversation.

You’ve never seen him show fear, but perhaps, this once, he’s aiming for someone who can remind him of the feeling.

He knows it, too, you conclude when his head finally turns in her direction.

“I do it for you,” he snarls lowly, practically spitting the words, his grip on the railing tightening. “If I didn’t leave, I would skin your loyal little snakies and give you their skins as a present. By the time I came back to myself, it would already be too late, and you would hate me for taking them away from you. You would kill me for it, and maybe I would let you.”

Your heart slams into your throat at his calm, chillingly logical explanation.

You knew—to some degree—that him leaving was about protecting others as much as it was about allowing Lucien that room to roam. It’s hard to feel trapped, tied down, to something when you’ve spent years being treated as no better than an animal.

It makes you value that freedom just that much more.

Your lungs burn yet you feel too afraid to inhale lest you miss her reply.

The woman is silent for a leaden, disturbing moment and you feel your heartbeat accelerate the longer she remains quiet.

“Do you really think you mean so little to me?” comes her chilling whisper of a question and goosebumps tickle across the length of your arms. “That I would kill you?”

She laughs but it’s an unpleasant, cold thing that makes you think of a viper circling her prey and Lucien’s chin tilts at the challenge, at the mocking tilt of her inquiry. “You may act like you don’t care for them but could you really kill them? Just like that?” she demands, her tone sharpening as if she’s wielding one of her blades. “Kill her?”

Your heart thuds; once, twice.

You’re not sure what you feel more surprised at.

The fact that she’s pushing or that she sounds so furious at the mere prospect.

It’s them, you remind yourself hurriedly, ignoring the flush of heat you feel in response to the honeyed, poisonous edge you catch in her words, not what she’s saying.

Yet it feels like a weak argument even in your own mind.

Lucien pushes back from the railing, clenching his fingers experimentally, humming lightly under his breath before offering his verdict, “I won’t even hesitate.”

“You’re lying.”

It’s sharp, and immediate dismissal. So knowing that you don’t even doubt the call out because she knows him better than anyone. They’re two beasts snapping jaws and snarling and it makes for a beautiful sight. Captivating despite the danger.

The terror you should feel around them doesn’t come. That should probably concern you more. You’re not helpless but getting even more tangled with these people is a death sentence.

Lucien steps closer to the leader of the Vipers, and it’s only then that you notice that his white shirt is still unbuttoned. His skin often feels cold to the touch but he’s never once complained about it. The pale canvas of his flesh is marred by scars and faint bruises alike. You’ve tasted them, traced them with your tongue just a few hours ago—so even though you can’t see them clearly, you know they’re there.

“Funny thing. Lies. Like you lie to yourself daily, I imagine, hm?” Lucien’s voice slices through the night air, fills it, stretches it into something even tenser. “You walk around like you want to destroy everything in your path yet you still hold yourself back,” he spits knowingly, his voice slipping into harshness, and his eyes narrow, inspecting the woman before him intently. “He still clings to you and you let him. Still love him.”

He spits the word love out so hatefully you nearly flinch. Like no bigger crime could be committed against him.

His throat grows tense, tendons trembling, and in that moment he looks near feral. Livid.

Because she’s in pain, you think sadly, and he wasn’t there for her, and now she carries it.

It saddens you.

“You have no right,” it’s a warning, a hiss of a statement.

Lucien comes undone in a span of a second.

His arm snaps out, locking behind the slim curve of her neck, his fingers sinking into the nape. He doesn’t drag her forward, he drags himself to her. She lets him, and that surprises you more. She watches him from beneath her heavy, quietly furious brow, silent.

“I have every right!” he fires back, his stare brimming, and he briefly presses their foreheads together but his next words are cruel, “When we crawled out of that filth it was you and me. And then you let some fucker steal you. Do this to you.”

She rips out of his grip with speed that’s a blur, her teeth flashing, “Then maybe you shouldn’t have abandoned me!”

Pain in her voice is like a whip against your skin and heart. They rip into you, linger under your skin. Is that how she felt? All this time. Alone. With no one to turn to.

It...

“You know that’s rich, Lucien,” she continues, her voice a low growl. “You really think I don’t see how you are with (Name)? Did you really assume you could hide something like that from me?”

Your gut coils at her tone. She sounds...small.

And then her words…

Oh.

She must think…

Does she feel like Lucien is replacing her with you? It’s true that you have bonded and grown closer together but…

God, doesn’t she realise no one could come even close to her for Lucien? You’ve accepted their bond long ago though it took time and a lot of battling insecurities that still crop up to do so.

It’s startling to realise that she has even more of those. That beneath a woman who has carved her way into power with such ruthless efficiency is still, at the end of the day, just human. Capable of wounds and bleeding. Doubts and diffidence. It gives her a different light, a human light, one that makes you want to hold her hand again. Feel the fold of her long fingers around yours.

“Ah, my pretty girl,” Lucien begins, sighing softly, his voice silky with tendrils of desire, hunger. So he’s concluded the same, then. Based on his sudden change in topic. “She’s a greedy thing. I see how she watches you, too. A heart so eager and big she doesn’t know what to do with it. So eager to give...and take,” he purrs, his tongue wetting his lips, and you choke down a breath at the memory of that searing tongue on your body. “At least I can say that about her. Can you say the same about your spider?”

You suck in a breath, holding it in your lungs, wide-eyed and unsteady.

Why is he goading her like this? Does this truly get under his skin so much? No—you know it does. Lucien has a greediness of a child who never got toys or enough food growing up. Eager hands and darker eyes. Constantly clawing for more, claiming everything he touches and hoarding it, ready to bite and snarl at any hand that tries to take his things away from him.

He’s considered her his own long before he even knew you. That same silent burn of mine, mine, mine rages in his gaze every time he looks at either of you.

“Do not speak of him, Lucien,” this time her voice is soft, deceptively so, a fragment of a warning that’s the last second of stillness before a viper strikes. “This is the only warning I will give you,” she adds.

Lucien’s head shakes. “Wipe him away,” he warns in return, his voice ice. “Do it, Clara, because if he destroys you, I will scatter his remains across this Earth. He will know agony long before I grant him death. Let her in.”

This time your heart jumps straight to your throat and stays there, beating and trembling, trying to flutter away.

“She’s not a thing for you to decide what to do with.”

There’s an edge to her voice, to her stance. They’re both tense, their shoulders taut as they glare at one another.

You’ve never seen them fight before. Not once. The fact that you’re the topic of their conversation…

Lucien snorts, shaking his head back and forth. “I’m only stating what you noticed long ago,” he says knowingly. “What my pretty girl wants even if she won’t admit it to herself yet,” a pause, and he licks his lips again, his head turning to stare right into the darkness, into the spot where you’re standing, “Isn’t that right, my brave foolish girl?”

Your muscles stiffen with shock. Your flee instincts scream at you to get away but you only stare at them numbly.

Clara doesn’t look surprised by his words, either. Did she know too? This whole time? Then why let you listen to this. Why—

“Don’t be shy,” he coaxes, his voice beguiling and gentle; a dangerous purr. “Come on out.”

You shouldn’t.

They’re…

Too much, too dangerous—you called them a death sentence only minutes prior, and you know you’re right.

Yet you step onto the terrace and straight into the jaws of two awaiting snakes who watch your every step with rapt intensity.

It’s an effort to keep your steps steady and spine straight. Under their stares, you become intimately aware of every stitch of clothing on you. Namely the fact that you’re in nothing but loose V-shirt and worn sweatpants, having pulled on the first thing on hand before departing your room in restless haste.

The intensity of their regard makes you feel like you’re naked, however.

Gulping a quiet breath you try to ignore the way Lucien traces the dip of your collarbone where a love bite is still visible. He sucked on the skin relentlessly, following that with a scattering of open-mouthed kisses, soothing the twinge of the ache.

“I…” you try and sigh. “Sorry. It was rude of me to listen. I…”

Your voice fades when Lucien steps towards you, his footsteps inaudible but purposeful. Same hunched shouldered, tense prowl of a gait, his arm encircling your waist the moment he’s close enough. You lean into his touch despite your wariness, your breath tickling against his exposed skin but over his narrow shoulder, you can’t help but watch Clara.

Dark jumper, messy braid over her shoulder, and sunken cheeks. Tired smudges sit under her eyes, her stare empty, and she looks…

Sad.

There is no particular expression on her face—she’s not that obvious, and he taught her well, you suppose—but the air around her seems to be teeming with some melancholic ache.

Lucien’s mouth brushes over your ear, nipping once, and you expect a shiver of shame or embarrassment to flood through you but it doesn’t. It doesn’t feel wrong to have her witness these things, to watch Lucien’s rare show of intimacy so closely.

The argument between them seems to be forgotten, for now, all of you caught in your own spells. Lucien’s mouth drags downwards, his teeth scraping against the hollow of your throat and you gasp softly.

The sound seems to snap Clara out of her daze, and her expression tightens in a blink. You still can’t get over how pale and tired she looks. Worn. Everything about her seems to be muted today. It’s then that you also recall that you haven’t seen her the whole day. When you asked Hector he had only barked a harsh she’s busy and you had retreated after that, noting his foul mood—more so than usual.

Why?

You try to think if this day holds some sort of significance and—

Oh, oh, oh.

It must be today.

Your stomach sinks at the realisation. So hard and suddenly the sensation of Lucien’s mouth fades just for a second. Because just like that the man’s return also makes sense. He returned so he would be here just in case she needs him.

Two years since the night she was taken in Tokyo.

There must be so much turmoil in her today. No wonder you haven’t seen her out and about and now, out here, in the private space between them, her guard has worn far quicker than usual.

Lucien presses you flush against him and hums a pleased sound when you sigh at the feeling of his lips skimming over your jaw. His head tilts then, staring at Clara over his shoulder.

“You’ve made your point,” she snips the moment he does, her voice throaty.

She stalks past you both, her jaw set and lips pressed to a hard line. Your actions are instinct alone.

Your fingers wrap around her wrist, partially jerking from Lucien’s hold to catch her in your grip. Last time you’ve done something like this she flinched and yanked her arm away with a heated glare. This time she freezes, tensing, but doesn’t pull out of your hold. Her steady, strong pulse beats against your palm and you inhale at the contact.

Last time you touched her had been when she told you her real name.

Clara, Clara, Clara.

With her hands knuckle deep in a pot, a smear of dirt across the freckled nose, and near content look in her eyes. You know she never demands. Yet each member chooses to cement their loyalty to the Pit in their own time and on their own terms. Once the snake tattoo marks their skin, it’s forever. In return, Clara gives them her own name—the ultimate sign of acceptance.

You don’t have a snake tattoo. Yet she had given you her name still. She had noted your startled expression before it morphed and bloomed into a bright grin. That seemed to have startled her more.

When you had hugged her—breathing her in, absorbing her warmth, and savouring the comfort that comes with such simple affection—she had stood there, not moving. It took her several minutes to fully relax, melt into you with a sigh so gentle you barely felt it.

Now, your hand is on her skin again, even if circumstances are so different.

“Don’t go,” you say, fighting back the urge to tug her towards you. “Stay.”

Lucien shifts around you—another snake coiling—but he’s waiting and watching. Almost vibrating with energy you have no name for. Arm around your waist, hand resting lightly on your lower stomach, but you feel his stare digging into her.

He’s eager to see how she will react.

This. This feels right.

Lucien at your side and you holding onto her. A unit, a chain of energy. A thrill rushes through your hand and right to your heart at that conclusion; hot and fierce.

Those dark eyes peer at you, and there is something in her gaze—maybe longing, maybe regret—but it blows out like a candle in a stiff breeze.

Her stare goes to Lucien briefly and she tugs her wrist free. Your expression falls the moment cool night air kisses your palm instead.

Clara turns and disappears down the staircase. Her room is on this floor, just below the terrace and you listen to her fading footsteps. The disappointment you feel stings, bubbles in your chest and you pull your hand back, folding your fingers into a loose fist.

Lucien hisses under his breath, displeased, muttering something in French. His nails scratch against your stomach as he pulls his hand away.

“Why did you do that?” you demand quietly.

A soft breath and quick, hard kiss against your head, his fingers sinking into your shoulder.

“Because I will not let her run anymore,” he mutters coldly, and it carries through the night air, making you shiver.

Turning in his hold, you stare at him.

“Have you two ever…”

He reads into your meaning without you having to force the words out. You’re immensely grateful for it.

“No.”

Your throat aches but you still wonder, “Kissed?”

“Yes. Once,” blunt and straightforward as always. For once, you find yourself appreciating that. “We both thought we were going to die, and neither of us wanted our last memory to be of rotting in pain and alone. Our humanity stripped away.”

You step out of his embrace, mulling that over. You can’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. Feeling that level of desperation. That lack of hope and despair. That kiss had nothing to do with desire and everything to do with comfort, with a need to cling to something so ordinary yet human in what they perceived to be their last moments alive.

“It’s today, isn’t it?” you finally ask, your words soft, thoughtful. “When she was taken. That’s why you came back. Because you knew she would need you,” you add knowingly, staring up at him.

Lucien stares back at you wordlessly. He doesn’t need to waste his breath and verbalize it for you to know you’re right.

“She needs us both,” he concludes and there is no room for argument in that statement—for him, it's an absolute, a known fact. “She’s just too wrapped up in him to realise that.”

Him. It always comes back to him.

The seething rage lingers in Lucien’s soft words, practically spat, certainly damning. Yet you never expected him to be as accepting of this as he has been.

“Why aren’t you mad?” you wonder, watching his profile, the dips of his skin illuminated by the artificial lights. In this moment he’s a wraith, a spirit, a restless ghost. “At the thought that I might…”

Do feel something for a woman you shouldn’t. Did that make you selfish? You often felt selfish for simply wanting Lucien. For hoping that one day he will be able to make peace with his demons and stay with you.

You can’t help but wonder if the woman who reminds you of a beautiful, haunted house could ever, possibly, let her demons go too.

Could...could she feel the same?

Your blood warms at the thought, your mind cycling through every moment shared with her over these last several months. Combing them for any signs and...

“Why would I be, pretty girl?” he retorts with a tsk and a cutting glance. He reaches out, fingers caressing the length of your chin. “I have no intention of choosing, you’re capable of loving us both I know that, and she needs to learn happiness again.”

You lean into his touch, your eyes fluttering shut, savouring the contact. There is that greediness in his hold when he drags you to him. You follow. This time there is new conflict but the energy between you seems to be back, settled. Pressing your forehead against his bare collar, you shiver at how cold he feels to the touch but feel happy at this return.

The missing piece finally has a name.

“What did he do to her?” you mumble against his skin, so desperate to understand what no one is willing to share with you.

You want Clara to tell you herself, one day, but until she’s ready, if ever...

Lucien's voice is dark and low, barely audible when he answers, “He made her love him.”

You doubt anyone can make someone love another person. Not really. But now can’t help but wonder if Lucien feels like that man stole the Clara he knew—Clara that smiled—away from him and that’s what boils his blood. Something that he considered his own was taken from him and he was powerless to stop it.

“And did he love her back?”

He was a fool if he didn’t.

Lucien is quiet for a long, long time after that question, and you feel him staring out towards the twinkling skyline.

“There is a reason why he’s still alive.”

. . .

an: yeah, little to no context and I don’t really expect anyone to read this or care but if you did and happen to enjoy it thank you very much for giving it a chance! love you guys lots. this was written a solid month back so discord gang this is familiar to you lot *wiggles eyebrows*

#oc x reader #oc writing #original writing #reader insert #c: lucien #c: clara #s: we are bound #v: npfh #i said reader is here for both and what of it? also yeah oc!v/clara is bi too so (blows kisses)#anon #asks

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melancholydreadfuldream · 4 years ago

Text

broken melody, lullaby of pain

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairing: 12th Doctor x Reader & 13th Doctor x Reader

Summary: The Doctor thought you died along with everyone and yet here you are under the clutch of the Master.

Warning: ooc, angst, obsession, mention of mental abuse, plot holes as usual, etc.

After saying goodbye with her fam, the Doctor made her way toward the matrix chamber where the deranged Master and his CyberMaster are, bringing with her the weapon of destruction that she intend to use on them and herself in the process.

She thought of the telepathy she shared earlier with the Master and how he said he has one last surprise for her. Knowing him, she need to be on guard because it will definitely be unpleasant.

But she never thought that the surprise he mentioned would be...you.

As she entered the hall where she supposed to meet the Master, she saw a young woman standing alone in the middle of the room. She felt like she was punched in the gut when the woman turned around and revealed herself.

"(name)?" She called out hesitantly.

You didn't reply at first. You look terrified. Your eyes are glassy as you glanced at the Doctor.

The Doctor blinked her eyes a few times as if trying to make sure what she saw is not a figment of her imagination. Though if it is, she has no idea why it would show her you. She raised her hand as if wanting to reach out to you.

You took a step back away from her, making her confused. You looked almost afraid of her.

"(name), it is me, the Doctor...." She said softly in placating manner as if you are an injured animal need extra handling.

You shook your head as tears fell down your cheek. "I didn't know where you were. She was the only one there. I didn't know what to do...so I just did what he told me." You said in a hoarse and trembling voice.

The Doctor is confused, trying to make sense what you are saying before she realized that you are talking about Missy back in the mondas ship. Her mouth dropped open in horror at what you are implying.

7777

You first met the Doctor when he was in his eleventh incarnation. You are Clara's best friend. Clara had told you about the Doctor when you accidentally got involved in an incident with alien.

The Doctor took you on a trip to show off time travel. You were awed by the Tardis and the weirdly energetic Time Lord.

As the Doctor invited you to stay for a few more trips, you quickly realized that both the Doctor and Clara addicted to danger and excitement. You weren't like them. The trips started with fun and safe and then quickly turned into lot of running and try not to get killed at. It wasn't your cup of tea. You love the part where you see wonder but you dislikes the next part.

You didn't stay full time on Tardis, prefering to stay on Earth where life is boring but safe. You couldn't keep up with the glee of the unknown trouble that the Doctor and Clara shared. And you were fine with it.

Once in a while though, Clara did convince you to take some time off and travel with them for one trip to a special place that she knew you would have love to be part of or when you are feeling burnt out with your daily life, you would phone Clara and asked her to come pick you up.

You got along quite well with the Doctor. He was a funny man and he likes you enough to let you join him and Clara for trips to see the wonder of universe.

You felt like third wheel though whenever those two started their flirting-not-flirting thing. You asked Clara about it and she admitted that she fancy him but she was unsure how to go about it. The man is practically an immortal alien and she is just a human.

You found out about Clara's echoes eventually and she had explained that she splintered herself to save the Doctor by jumping into his timestream.

You weren't there when the Doctor regenerated. But when you did finally met the new Doctor, you know you are in trouble because his new appearance caught your fancy. You always have a thing, a weakness for older gentleman and the new Doctor could almost pass for one if one could ignore or manage his rudeness.

Oh and Clara know all about your little crush on the Doctor and teases you mercilessly. You were not pleased especially considering that your best friend has dibs on the Doctor first.

To your surprise, Clara give you the go ahead to try and woo the Doctor, not that you would. He is an immortal alien, remember? Same issue still applied in this case. But you were surprised with Clara's revelation about how the new Doctor has basically sit her down and said he was not her boyfriend. Ouch. That made you more determined to never acted on your stupid crush.

It was awkward at first trying to interact with the new Doctor as you were so used with chin boy, Clara's nickname for Eleventh Doctor. But with a few more meeting, you would eventually grew fond of him. You didn't know what he think of you but he might be tolerating you for Clara. You thought you were in your best behavior around him. You never flirted with him or provoke him.

Clara is truly his best mate, able to keep him on his toes, rein him in when he deliberately being cruel. As much as you have a bad crush on him, you couldn't handle his rudeness.

Clara eventually dated a man called Danny Pink. When the Doctor found out, he was livid. He materialized Tardis in your living room and proceed to complain about it to you of all people.

You tried to calm him down and convinced him that if he care for Clara, he should be happy for her.

Then come the fight. Clara told you about what happened with the moon and how the Doctor abandoned her alone. You were helpless to try to console her as she made a decision that she was done with the Doctor.

Of course, not long after Clara left, the Doctor came to you, babbling about how he didn't understand what he did wrong to Clara and so you set him straight. He was genuinely afraid now that his impossible girl will truly left him. So you suggested one last hurrah between them in hope in that one trip they could find a common ground again.

Later on, Clara remained with the Doctor, apparently they have made up nice. You were glad for them.

7777

Clara is inconsolable. Her boyfriend died. She was mostly numb. You tried to comfort her but she mostly ignored you.

Desperate, you turned to the Doctor for help eventhough you know he is socially awkward. But Clara is also his best friend so you demanded that he did something for her to help her.

"What she need is time and space to mourn." The Doctor said.

"But I'm worried for her. She is not eating or sleeping well. She is not grieving properly."

"There is a proper way of grieving?" He raised impressive eyebrows at you mockingly.

You rolled your eyes. "You know what I meant."

It was then he received a call from Clara which make you panicked as if you are receiving a phone call from a crush much to the Doctor's amusement.

You glared at him and told him to drop you home before he goes to Clara.

"What happened to comforting her together?"

"You are her thing."

The Doctor look insulted. "I'm not her thing!"

You almost laughed at how insulted he look like. "I just meant you and her are...have this bond, you know, special one...and this trips on the Tardis are always yours and hers. And she obviously need you more than she need me. So..."

The Doctor looked uncomfortable, probably has no idea what to say to you so he dropped you home without more fuss.

Next thing you know there were red alerts as citizens are told to stay at home away from the street. From the news, you realized Earth is invaded by alien...again. You recognized the cybermen. You are worried for the Doctor and Clara.

You were relieved when the day after Clara contacted you, apologizing for not keep in touch with you. She told you the Doctor has gone, returned back to Gallifrey, his home planet.

As months passed with Clara withdrawn and depressed, you contacted the Doctor, leave a voicemail telling him that Clara need him and that she still didn't cope well with the loss of Danny.

You didn't receive any reply. But a week later, the Doctor suddenly show up during your date night with an older gentleman that is your type and the Doctor made a mess of the date. You were furious with him.

"What do you mean that Clara didn't cope well with the loss of PE? Danny is back, isn't he? Clara told me so!" The Doctor approached the table where you sat with your date without any greeting and started babbling urgently.

"Doctor? What are you doing here?" You hissed furiously. "Danny is dead, remember?"

The Doctor started talking really fast at you before stopped and noticing your date. He then ruined it by asking if the man is your father. You really wanted to drop your head on the table right at that moment.

Uncomfortable with the Doctor, your date politely asked if they can reshedule their date in another time but you know he wouldn't ever call you back now. The date is going well too and now thanks to the Doctor, it is now ruined. At least, your date still paid for dinner despite your insistent to let you pay everything. You apologized to him and watched him left with a sigh before glaring at the Doctor.

The Doctor shrugged innocently and grinned sheepishly at you.

You sighed in resignation and led him back into his Tardis where you both talked about Clara. The Doctor admitted of lying about Gallifrey.

You rolled your eyes at him. "You are both idiot. It is obvious you miss each other. Don't be stubborn and go to her, Doctor, tell her the truth, tell her you know Danny is not back."

The Doctor said he will think about it. He seemed to think Clara is better without him. You wanted to slap him so much for his stupidity.

Eventually you learned that Clara is back traveling on the Tardis with the Doctor. According to them, santa claus made them do it.

7777

The Doctor now dressed like a rock star and he show off his ability to play electric guitar to you and Clara.

He was kinder now, less rude. He no longer complained too much whenever Clara or you hug him. One might say he is a bit affectionate toward the both of you.

You still refused to be his full time companion like Clara. You would take a trip or two for every two weeks or whenever you felt like you need a time out.

The Doctor is currently at the console, playing a tune on his guitar while talking about some sci-fi stuff that completely beyond your understanding.

You stared at him with fondness.

Clara noticed it and teased you about it later on. She asked whether you need her help to woo the Doctor to which you replied you are not the Doctor's type. She is. Which promptly shut her up.

During one of the trip, you noticed how careless Clara is and you talked to the Doctor about it but he brush you off, telling you that he won't let anything bad happen to Clara...or you, he added as afterthought.

You were touched that he care about you enough and said so to him to which he replied that he consider you as friend too. You were so happy that you hugged him and kissed his cheek.

He stared at you blankly as he touches his cheek.

You giggled as you suddenly felt bold enough to actually start flirting with him. But later on, you felt like you wanted to crawl under a rock for being insane enough to do that especially since he didn't seem to know how to deal with your affection.

Clara laughed at you when you told her about it much to your dismay.

7777

Clara is dead. You got a phone call from Clara's father. Her body is found on a street. They had no idea what is the cause of death. From Rigsy, you found out the truth.

You were unable to cope with her death and you wished to talk to the Doctor but you couldn't even contact him. According to Rigsy, the Doctor was taken to somewhere else, presumably by an enemy of the Doctor.

You are worried for the Doctor but there is nothing you can do about it. You contacted UNIT and spoke to Kate but even she has no clue what is going on.

There is nothing you can do but to help with Clara's funeral. You tried to be brave for Clara's family. After the funeral, when you are finally alone and realizing the loss of Clara, you broke down crying.

You now understood how Clara felt when she lost Danny. You just wanted to be left alone, not wanting to do anything at all.

Then, Clara reappeared in front of you in a waitress uniform from a Tardis that resembles a dinner. She was there to say goodbye and to tell you to take it easy when next you met the Doctor. She told you the Doctor has no memory of herself now.

You wonder if the Doctor would even bother to come for you as the one connecting you to him is always Clara.

"He considered you as a friend too, you know. He likes you. Not many people can says that." Clara reassured you. She made you promise to help the Doctor eventhough you have no idea what you could possibly offer the Doctor. You are not her.

"If he comes for me, I promise I will help him to the best of my ability." You made that promise, fully aware that the Doctor is unlikely to come for you despite his words before about considering you as a friend. He didn't strike you as the type who keep a regular contact with those he called friends unless they were his current companion.

You and Clara had a teary goodbye and you watched her Tardis vanished before your eyes. You never saw her again.

As you predicted, the Doctor never come for you. You weren't surprised but it still hurts you. You tried not to take it personally. You tried to move on with your life.

7777

It was merely an accident that you met the Doctor again. You were accompanying your slightly younger cousin to check out St. Luke's University. Your cousin is thinking to apply to that university.

It was there you overheard a bunch of students talking about their eccentric teacher, the one called the Doctor.

Curious but also dreading to meet him, you decided to look for him. And you did find him.

He was playing his electric guitar at his posh office. You saw his blue box on the corner of the room.

He glanced at your arrival. He didn't seem to recognize you at first.

You slapped him. You didn't meant to but when you saw his indifferent face, you kind of loses it.

He was taken aback by the sudden assault but before he could say a word, you slapped him again and then hit his chest repeatedly with your fists as you yelled and cursed at him.

He gripped both of your hands to stop the assault on his person. His eyes softened as he whispered your name. He apologized to you as you broke down crying in his arms.

"It has been 2 years, you bastard! You left me behind without any explanation for what happened to Clara! You promised me she will be safe even after I told you she was reckless! And then she died and you don't even have the courtesy to show up and explain everything! I had to heard it all from Rigsy!" You yelled at him.

"I know." He looked remorseful but you are still so mad at him.

"I know that you no longer have any memory of Clara but surely you remember me? You said you considered me as friend but you abandoned me! Friends don't do that, you jerk! Stupid eyebrow!"

The Doctor remained silent in the face of your fury. After you calmed down, he offered you tea much to your bewilderment.

You told him about how Clara told you what happened to him, being trapped in a confession dial, almost breaking the rule of time for the sake of Clara and also about the promise you made to her. So, after all of that, you asked him how he is holding up.

The Doctor admitted of being ashamed of himself for what happened to Clara and can't bear to face you especially since he couldn't even remember Clara at all.

You and the Doctor talked about Clara a lot. Through you, the Doctor is able to put a face on Clara. You told him the brave tale of Clara Oswald and her Doctor.

You forgot about your cousin until she called you. You had to leave the Doctor but you were reluctant. You asked him if he will be at the university for long. He said he will be stuck in there for a long while.

You smiled softly at him. "Can I come see you again?"

He glanced down at you with fond smile. "If you like."

You hugged him and he, at first, was hesitant to hug you but he did eventually.

7777

After that day, you spend at least a few hours to visit him in the university and you have valid excuse because your cousin did apply there.

There were rumour floating around that you were the Doctor's girlfriend but you and the Doctor ignored it.

The Doctor introduced you to Nardole and Bill. Bill is curious about how you know the Doctor and she recognized that you did indeed still fancy the Doctor and teases you about it.

The Doctor eventually told you about the reason he was stuck there. You had heard about Missy before from Clara and her warning that she is pure evil. You have no interest in meeting her.

Knowing the Doctor stuck there, you tried to cheer him up by asking him out. He was confused whether you are asking him out on a date after Bill's teasing about him having a date and he asked you about it.

You were embarrassed and cursed Bill for bringing that up. You told him it was a friendly outing. Though, of course, you sort of wished for more but this is the Doctor. He is dense when it come to romance. Also, you have no idea if he even feel the same, probably not.

One day, the Doctor asked you out for a date night in some foreign planet. He claimed it was for ruining your date night years ago. You laughed at the date night he mentioned. You remembered that night when he asked your date of the night if he was your father. He eventually admitted he was asking you out because Bill wouldn't shut up about how you fancy him and how lucky he was to have someone like you waiting around for him.

Your face reddened as you muttered about killing Bill.

He smiled kindly at you which made your heart flutter around like a trapped butterfly inside a jar. "Spare Bill your wrath, she was just concerned for you and I. Apparently, she ship us."

You nearly choke on your drink when he said that with a flat face. You felt like you are not nearly drunk enough to survive this humiliation. Overall, it was a successful date night. You have fun. The Doctor is surprisingly good at planning a date night.

You remembered that Clara once told you that he was married to River Song but she was deceased. You wondered what kind of a woman she was to have caught his fancy. She must be someone amazing. You didn't dare to ask him about her but you saw the picture he had on his office. You even asked Nardole about her. You realized the Doctor is still hung up on her and Clara to some extent even if he didn't remember her.

You sighed, hating yourself for being insecure. You knew the Doctor is out of your league and yet here you are, falling under his spell again. You didn't know whether to hug Bill or hit her for plotting against you like this. You were, in the end, grateful for a chance to have a memory of being on a date with the Doctor. Though, the realization that according to the Doctor, this is somewhat a pity date, ruined it for you.

After that one date, you avoided the Doctor like a plague. It was Bill who come to you and knock some sense into you.

"This is the Doctor we are talking about. He doesn't know what even a pity date is. So, please, (name), just come back. You are miserable. He is also miserable. He blames me, you know, for taking my advice and takes you out on a date. He thought he did something wrong to you. Now he thought he had lost you too." Bill said.

You narrowed your eyes at her. "You are lying, aren't you? There is no way the Doctor acted like that merely because I'm not there."

"Well yeah he didn't pout as much, mostly he tried distracting himself with teaching and traveling in the Tardis, but he is very grumpy, more than usual. Ask Nardole if you don't believe me. Ask his students, they thought you broke up with him and that made him become no fun anymore."

So, yeah, like the fool you are, you decided to come back and have as Bill put it a 'grown-up' talk with the Doctor.

What the hell...you decided to tell him the truth and see what happened. If he didn't feel the same, well, that's a problem that you will have to deal with anyway sooner or later. Better just do it and get it over with now. Rip the band-aid so to speak. Maybe then you can properly move on and erased your feeling for him to make room for new feeling for someone else.

You had a long talk with the Doctor. You found out Bill is right about the date being not a pity date. He had even told you that if he didn't like you, he would never took you out on a date.

"I can't promise you forever." The Doctor eventually said.

"I never would ask you that. I know that you can't do that. All I ask, if you are willing, to be with me for as long as we can."

"Then you shall have me for as long as you want to, (name)." The Doctor said.

You were surprised and felt elated by his words. You took his hand on yours and beamed at him.

He glanced down at you with soft smile and kind eyes. You loved him more for it.

7777

The Doctor took you on dates many times after that. He is taking care to make sure there will be no crisis need averting during the dates but that did not always work.

You should have known the Doctor is definitely a trouble magnet despite his effort. During a date night, the place where the Doctor took you with was invaded by a hostile group.

Of course, you were taken hostage as the Doctor along with a group of people that apparently genious in their own right were forced to solve some chess puzzle with life or death at stake.

Thinking the Doctor need more incentive, they put you into some death trap where one wrong move during the chess puzzle will end with your death.

You were properly scared especially after you saw the person before you died in agony when someone else before the Doctor is forced to solve it.

The Doctor is enraged by this hostile group who put you in this situation.

You couldn't help the tears that flooded your eyes as your body trembled waiting for the pain of death even as you glanced up at the Doctor, trying to put up a brave face.

He told you to shut up when he realized you were trying to say goodbye, believing that you will die in that death trap.

It was a close call but he eventually able to cheat the game and freed you. You were so relieved as you fell into his arms weakly.

The Doctor however is angry especially when he learned that the trap is plotted by someone called Gus. He eventually told you he know a Gus, one responsible for the incident of the mummy in orient express back when he was with Clara.

You remembered Clara told you about their supposed last hurrah on orient express. You wondered if Gus has some grudge against the Doctor or he just enjoy sickening games.

You could tell the Doctor felt guilty for putting you in danger. You were afraid that he will change his mind and left you behind. You grabbed on one of his arms, putting your head near his chest and whispered to him that you are okay and you will try not to scare easy, that you will do better next time.

The Doctor looked sad when you said that.

7777

Feeling guilty after what happened at the last date, the Doctor took you to have some fun. He assurred you the place is safe.

The Doctor took you out to some alien bazaar in some orange planet but he accidentaly took you to the same place where he once as his eleventh incarnation took you and Clara.

You were stunned when you saw past Clara, wishing you can come to her and give her a hug.

It was Eleventh Doctor who notices you and he was confused because he was sure he left you with Clara.

You blinked at Chin Boy and took a look at him. You still found it hard to believe that he is the same person as Eyebrow.

It was then your Doctor appeared and he put his hand around your waist as he started talking about some attraction that he thought you would like. He didn't seem to notice his past-self at first.

It was kind of funny watching Chin Boy pieces it together your relationship with his future-self. He spluttered in surprise and waved his hands around like a deranged giraffe.

When your Doctor finally recognized his past-self, he didn't look at all impressed or happy seeing him. They started to insult each other, whether it was about his past chin or his future eyebrow.

You stifled a giggle as both Doctors glared at you.

After Chin Boy left, you were wondering if that meant he always know that they will ended up dating but he said his past-self would not retain any memory of meeting you and him.

As you watched past you and Clara having a laugh together, you couldn't help but felt sad. You glanced up to see your Doctor staring at Clara too. You could tell he is trying to remember her, anything about her, but he couldn't.

You took his hand and led him away from the scene. You kissed his cheek and asked him what he need right now.

The Doctor glanced down at you with soft smile. You could almost believe that he loves you at that moment.

7777

You and the Doctor are officially dating now. Bill and Nardole knew about it. Your cousin knew about it. The whole university knew about it.

His students like to ask the Doctor about your relationship during his lecture much to his dismay. He even told you that your cousin attended his lectures too and asked about the nature of his relationship with you.

You stiffled a smile and promised him you would tell your cousin to stop teasing him.

You were reluctant to travel with him full time, prefering to be safe on Earth, letting him, Bill and Nardole instead playing the hero game. You were grateful that the Doctor didn't think less of you for wanting to stay safe.

7777

You were so afraid for the Doctor upon finding out he is blind. You were angry at him for keeping it a secret from you. You refused to leave his side, wanting to make sure he is safe even if it meant you have to get down and dirty with any crisis headed his way.

You were so grateful for Bill for she is the only one in position to make a deal with the Monk to save him. You were with the Doctor but on the wrong side. You couldn't help him at all. You thought you would lose him for good this time. But then Bill saved him.

After he regained his eyesight, the Doctor set out to figure out a way to get the monks off the Earth.

That was the first time the Doctor took you and Bill inside the vault where you laid eyes on Missy for the first time.

You didn't like her at all. As Clara told you before, Missy is cruel with her words, not afraid to strike anyone down with her pouting lips. But the Doctor seemed to manage her well enough.

The Doctor said he was trying to rehabilitate her and he thought it was working well. She seemed to start showing remorse.

After the monk fiasco is over with, the Doctor told you and Bill about his plan to give Missy a test run to see how she deal with a crisis.

Missy is curious with you upon realizing you are dating the Doctor, teasing him about what a pedophile he is for taking a very young human to be his fuck buddy. Her words is crude and very insulting. You dislikes her even more. But you got the feeling she couldn't careless whether anyone likes her or not, except maybe the Doctor.

You got a feeling that maybe there were deeper history between her and the Doctor. You wondered if they ever become lovers in their past but that is not something you can ask him. Come to think about it, you still don't know much about the Doctor except from what Clara told you which is a lot but still not enough. You tried to respect his need for secret. You know he is just indulging you in your desire to have him as your lover. He didn't owe you anything more than he want to share.

7777

Everything fall apart during the first test run for Missy. For once, you agreed to go with them but you remained on the Tardis with the Doctor while Bill and Nardole play the part as Missy's companion.

Worried for Bill, the Doctor immediately got outside but he locked you inside the Tardis against your wishes. He wanted you safe.

Before he could get Bill to safety, she got killed by the blue alien who is afraid of the things inside the ship who only come when there is human nearby.

After Bill was taken away, the Doctor eventually allowed you out of the Tardis after he knocked out the blue alien.

"Bill is my friend. I won't just sit there inside the Tardis."

"There are creatures down there who goes after human. You will be in danger." The Doctor said.

"I don't care! We stick together, Doctor, no matter what."

He relented and allowed you to come with them. You ignored Missy mocking you, prefering to listen to the Doctor and Nardole instead.

You and the Doctor found out Bill has been turned into a cyberman, a mondasian cyberman. And of course Missy had to betray you both when her past incarnation revealed to be behind the entire plot.

You were so sad for Bill especially once you found out she is still aware of herself inside that cold steel. The Doctor lied to Bill about being able to fix her but told you the truth that he can't.

He told you he should have made you stay inside the Tardis.

"It was my choice, Doctor, to stand here with you. I am scared but I won't regret you." You said.

The Master mocked both you and Bill. You wished you could hurt him right back. The Doctor pulled you and Bill away from him.

7777

You were in one of the room at the house, alone, trying to calm your nerve. You were really bad at handling crisis. You wished you could offer some help for the Doctor. You wished you were a companion he can depend on but you know you are not.

While you were feeling sorry for yourself, the Doctor entered the room, watching you from the doorway. You were still unaware that he was there.

"Are you okay?" The Doctor spoke up suddenly, making you jump in surprise.

You were nervous, that everyone probably can tell. You forced a smile as you sat down, desperately trying to put on a brave face.

He sighed. "You don't have to pretend. It's okay to be afraid."

"Fear is superpower?" You lightly said.

The Doctor smiled solemnly. "I'm guessing Clara told you that one too..."

"She was my best friend. We have no secret with each other. She was your best friend too." You said as you looked down at your lap, fingers gripping at your skins. "I wish she was here. She would be able to help you more."

The Doctor sighed. He sat beside you, put one hand over yours. He took your hand and kissed it gently.

You turned toward him slightly as you tried to smile but instead your eyes were wet with unshed tears.

"I love you, Doctor." You whispered. "I didn't need you to say it back. I just want you to know." You lied, of course, it would have been nice to hear him says it but only if he meant it. You put your hand over his cheek. "Thank you for letting me stay with you."

The Doctor didn't say anything, only glancing down at you with a look you can't decipher. He pulled you close to him and kissed your forehead as you rest your head on his shoulder.

That night, you sleep in each other arms or at least you were. The Doctor watched over you sleep. You only know because you were restless in your sleep. You clutched one of his arms, fully aware of how clingy you are but he has not yet rejected your touches so maybe it was okay.

You shared a smile with the Doctor as you finally gave up to try to sleep and just laid there, staring at each other.

"Whatever happen next, I'm with you. And even if I...don't survive this, please don't ever blame yourself."

The Doctor looked like he want to object so you covered his mouth with your palm.

You switched into a seating position, staring at him solemnly. "I meant it. Don't you dare regret me because I didn't regret you. Even if today is our last day, I would be happy because I am with you. So, don't even think of sending me away." You said, remembering what Clara told you about how the Doctor send her away from Trenzalore.

He pulled your hand away from his mouth as he moved into a seating position too. He sighed in resignation. "As you wish then, (name)."

You stared at him suspiciously. You did know the Doctor enough from Clara to know the Doctor lies. You could only hope he would not lie to you.

7777

Things has gotten dangerous as more cybermen attacked the settlement. The Doctor, Missy and the Master worked together before the Master decided it was a lost cause and intending to leave.

It was heartbreaking watching your Doctor begging Missy to stand by his side and was rejected.

You could tell this is one of those time where the Doctor can't save everyone. Your heart aches for him, watching him wreck his brain in an attempt to save everyone. You were a bit glad for last night with the Doctor, because you get to say everything that need saying to him. You tried to make your peace with what happening.

You were angry though when later the Doctor forced you to evacuate with Nardole and the other passengers. He said he had a plan, that everything will be okay. He promised he will come back for you and Nardole soon. He was convincing enough that you did go with Nardole. The Doctor stayed behind with Bill.

As you left with Nardole, you felt something is wrong. Against Nardole's warning, you returned back to find the Doctor.

You never find him.

7777

You were desperate to try to find the Doctor but you couldn't find him, instead you found Missy.

She was dying. But so is the Master. Against your better judgement, you decided to help Missy. She was always mean to you but she did help the Doctor and Bill before today.

Missy was surprised to see you and even more when you helped her up and away from there. She guided you to the path where the Master's Tardis is hidden.

She told you to take her to the med bay and instructed you of what to do with her fatal injuries. You were shaking but follow her instruction. You gave her some sort of injection.

Next thing you know she was glowing and exploded. The force of her regeneration knocked you hard as you crashed into some medical cart. You were on the floor, neck bleeding from some accidental stabbing by one of the medical instruments.

You gasped as you put one hand over your injury, hoping to slow down the bleeding but you were too weak. You blacked out just as you saw a man emerged toward you, staring at you coldly. Your last thought was you wish you didn't help Missy if this is how she repay you.

7777

You were surprised to find yourself still alive afterward. Your neck is bandaged properly. You felt so ill and weak.

"You are awake."

You almost jumped as you heard that voice.

A man in purple suit emerged from the shadow. You have no idea who he is. You were with Missy before, weren't you?

You gulped. "Missy?"

He chuckled. "Call me Master."

You flinched at that. The Master, the earlier version, was so intimidating and cruel. You don't know what to make with this one. But he did save your life, so there is that. You were not comfortable around him.

"I...where are we now? The Doctor..."

He scoffed. "The Doctor is gone, he has abandoned the both of us."

You glared at him. "You are the one who abandon him first." You probably shouldn't poke the bear.

He stared at you curiously. "Still he did abandon you. Everyone on that ship died but him while he fly away in his Tardis again. He didn't even come back for you."

You flinched at that. But you tried to take comfort at the fact that the Doctor survived. You hoped to reunite again with him but you are unsure how to go about it. You were practically under the Master's mercy right now.

You wondered why he still keep you around, not that you are not grateful. You were afraid he would abandon you into some foreign planet with no way to contact the Doctor.

"What are you going to do now...to me?" You tentatively asked.

He raised an eyebrow at you. "Sounded like you expect me to torture you or something..."

"So am I free to go then?"

"Are you going to run back to the Doctor?" He asked.

You were unsure what the correct answer would be. You were afraid the wrong answer will set him off. "I...I don't know..."

He hummed. "He thought nobody survived in that ship. He probably thought you died too." He chuckled. "For once, the Doctor can not save everyone."

Your heart ached at the thought the grief the Doctor must be going through right now. You hated the Master for finding it funny that the Doctor failed to save everyone.

"I want to see him." You whispered. "Can you...will you take me to him?"

A dark expression crossed his feature. His cold answer chilled you to the bone. "No."

7777

The Master imprisoned you on board of his Tardis. He was mostly courteous with you.

You showed the same courtesy, mostly because you were afraid.

But when one day he landed in Victorian London, you tried to escape, hoping to find Madam Vastra and Jenny so that they can help you reunited with the Doctor.

The Master foiled your plan and got really mad at you.

"Why are you still wanting to be with him? He abandoned you!!" He roared at you, making you so frightened that you could only whimpers.

He made you so very afraid when he cupped your face as he put his forehead over yours and invaded your mind. The brutal attack on your mind left you weak as a kitten. You were completely under his mercy.

After that day, you were to afraid to disobey him and just do what he told you...mostly. He is up to his usual chaos and you refused to be a part of it, especially when you realized he was plotting against the Doctor.

He was harsh with you and have no qualm to attack you mentally until you submit to him.

You prayed that the Doctor will come and rescue you. He laughed at your thoughts and showed you the Doctor from his hidden camera.

That was the first time you were told that the Doctor has regenerated...into a woman. She has new companions with her. She called them her fam.

Your heart ached at the thought the Doctor you know and fell in love with is gone, replaced with this woman. Part of you though recognized that she is still the Doctor. You were glad though that she found new companions and that she is not alone.

The Master is displeased with you whenever he caught you thinking of the Doctor. You didn't understand why he insisted to keep you around.

He told you he had plan for you. You dreaded whatever he plan for you. But you were hopeless, you couldn't even save yourself. You hated your weakness.

With each passing months, you lose hope to ever reunited again with your Doctor. Is she even still your Doctor? Will she still even want you back? You don't know.

The Master kept taunting you, making you cry like a baby. He sometimes look at you with disgust and yet he continue to keep you. You have no idea why.

7777

The Master showed you Gallifrey. He was proud to show his homeland. And then he locked you back into his Tardis.

When he returned, he was in deranged state, making you scared and very jumpy as he raged at the console and at the world.

7777

You were mute now, hardly talk at all. The Master had forced a telepathic bond with you after he experimented with you. It was scary and painful, making you wish for death instead.

You hated him but even all of your emotions slowly muted into defeaning silence.

One day, he told you that he has set his plan for the Doctor in motion. He curiously observed you to see your reaction.

You stared at him blankly.

He seemed satisfied. He cupped your face. "You will be my last surprise for the Doctor." He said as he caressed your cheek gently. "If everything going as I planned, you will soon see her."

You didn't say anything.

7777

You finally get to reunite with the Doctor. The Master even dressed you up for the occasion.

For the first time, as you laid eyes on the Doctor, some of your emotion resurfaced.

"I didn't know where you were. She was the only one there. I didn't know what to do...so I just did what he told me." You said in a hoarse and trembling voice.

You must have been with Missy when she regenerated. Had she left you under the Master's mercy all this time? The Doctor thought you perished in that ship like everyone else. Like Bill. Like Nardole.

Her hearts ached as she recalled the Testimony Project and how she got to meet Bill and Nardole, even Clara one last time. But she never did met you. At the time she thought you were simply mad at her previous version for lying and refused to show yourself to him.

She recalled the look Bill and Nardole exchanged when he asked them about you. Did they know that you survived?

"Where is he?" The Doctor asked you.

"Right here." The Master appeared with his CyberMaster in tow.

The Doctor realized she was surrounded.

"How do you like your surprise, Doctor?" The Master gleefully asked.

The Doctor glared at him. "What have you done to her?"

The Master turned to you and smiled. "Come here, (name)."

To the Doctor's horror, you obeyed him without hesitation.

"See? I take care of your pet, Doctor, the one you abandoned for death." He said as he cupped your chin playfully. "We even saved each other. It was all very...poetic."

The Doctor flinched with guilt at the thought that she did abandon you without a thought that you could possibly survive.

The Master then started bragging about his CyberMaster which he fully intend to use to conquer Earth.

The Doctor showed him the trigger for the death particle that she is fully intend to use to stop the Master and his army.

"Would you really use that?" The Master taunted. "Even if it meant you will kill her again?"

The Doctor flinched again at the mention of you. She glanced up at you and at the lost expression on your face. Her hearts ached for you. She long to envelop you in her embrace, to take you away from the Master and back in her Tardis to keep you safe. But she knew she had to stop the Master first and foremost.

"I can't risk you to lay waste on the universe." The Doctor said firmly as she gripped tight the trigger.

The Master looked ecstatic at her answer. "Do it then. Do it. Come on and do it. Save the universe."

You remained silent throughout the exchange between the Doctor and the Master.

The Doctor eventually dropped the trigger, unable to follow through.

The Master look disappointed, promising to lay waste the universe, thanks to her weakness.

He turned toward you. "Come along, (name)."

You flinched. You stared at the Doctor longingly before hesitantly took a step toward the Master.

The Doctor moved quicker to try to stop you. "Leave her here. You have no use of her."

The Master look amused. "Is that so? I'm actually quite fond of her. After all, she is the first face this face saw. You know how it is, Doctor, she is mine now."

The Doctor glared at him. "She is not yours!"

The Master rolled his eyes and commanded you to come to her.

At the time, Ko Sharmus suddenly appeared, picked up the trigger.

The Doctor quickly grabbed you as Ko Sharmus stepped toward the Master showing that he will pull the trigger.

The Doctor pulled you into her arms and ran as Ko Sharmus told her too before pulling the trigger.

7777

You and the Doctor were inside a Tardis but not the Doctor's.

After she flew the Tardis to safety, she turned to you to check you for injury. She smiled elatedly at you but the smile slide off her face immediately.

You couldn't believe that you had escaped the Master. As you glanced at the Doctor and saw her slowly smile adorably at you, you blacked out.

The Doctor barely able to catch your fallen body. She pulled her sonic screwdriver to scan you. Dread filled her hearts as she realized you had fallen into a coma.

7777

In the Tardis medbay, the Doctor stared at the result of your medical scan. There is nothing physically wrong with you.

The Doctor had no choice but to go inside your mind without consent to investigate what's wrong with you.

She was horrified to know that you were bonded to the Master. The Master had made it so your mind can't function if you are too far from him.

You were sealed within the deep corner of your mind unable to get out, unable to do anything but hover in the corner, afraid and lost.

The Doctor couldn't get through you at all. But she saw the remnant of message from the Master.

"Did you really think I would let you have a happy ending, Doctor?" The Master said cruelly. "She is mine. If you want her back, you simply have to give her back to me and she will be good as new."

The Doctor scoffed at him. "You are insane if you think I would let you anywhere near her again."

"You can't keep her from me, Doctor. I have make sure that she could never hid from me."

The Doctor realized the truth in what the Master said. You would never be safe from him. So there is only two thing she can do.

She will have to forcefully break the bond between you and the Master which will hurt both you and the Master a great deal but at least you will be safe from him.

Also, she will have to fix the damage in your mind courtesy of the Master but the damage is too much and she has to wipe your memories of the Master and of everything pertaining the Doctor.

The Master must have known that the Doctor would do exactly that. "Typical. You won't even give her any choice, would you?"

The Doctor glared at him in fury. "You are the one who did this to her. You hurt her. You broke her." She yelled at him. "I will not let you get to her anymore."

As she made up her mind, she focused on psychic attack on the bond. She winced as you screamed in pain. The Master also screamed but mostly cursing the Doctor.

She muttered apologies to you over and over again as her eyes shimmered in tears.

She put her hands over both side of your face and started to erase everything about the Doctor and the Master.

Tears fell on your cheeks as the Doctor purged the last memories of the person you love from your mind.

7777

The Doctor had you covered in long coat covering yourself from head to toes. She waited for someone patiently as she carried you in her arms. You were still unconscious.

"Doctor."

"Jack."

"Love the new face. You look good, Doctor."

The Doctor didn't reply.

"Is that her?"

She nodded. "Keep her safe, Jack. Give her new identity and take care to make sure that she will have everything she need."

"Of course."

The Doctor glanced at your sleeping face mournfully. "She is not safe with me or anywhere near me. The Master is after her."

Jack's eyes widened. "The Master is alive?"

The Doctor nodded.

"What could he possibly want with her?"

"The Master is insane as you know. He has obsession with her because she saved him before he regenerated and she is the first face he saw after he regenerated." The Doctor said. "I had to erase everything she know of me and the Master. It was the only way to keep her safe."

Jack glanced at the Doctor, noticing how miserable she look. "Don't worry, Doctor, I will personally make sure she will be safe."

"Thank you, Jack. I owe you."

Jack took you in his arms gently, careful not to wake you.

The Doctor released you reluctantly to Jack. She took one last look at your face before steeling herself. She turned around and left without looking back.

You were half-awake as you saw a woman walking away from you and for some reason, your heart ached but sleep took over you again and with that, you forgot.

#12th doctor x reader #13th doctor x reader #twelfth doctor x reader #thirteenth doctor x reader #doctor who x reader #doctor who fanfiction #shiefenwrites

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morganas-pendragons · 5 years ago

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A Grieving Man | 11

So, I haven’t gone back and rewatched Matt Smith’s era in years. I haven’t seen the entirety of the show since the first time I watched it back in 2013 and seeing as how we’re well into 13′s era now, there are things I’m noticing about 9-12 that I didn’t notice before.

Here’s where this piece comes in. Eleven is angry. All the time. Angrier then I ever remember, and he was my first doctor! I haven’t written Doctor Who in a while, so here’s a piece. Let me know what you think!

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

***

The anger of a good man is not absolute. Good men don’t need rules.

There’s a man out there who roams the Universe in a blue box with a human by his side that calls himself The Doctor. He’s many things.. cruel but kind, brave but cowardly, and prides himself in never carrying a gun because his weapon is his mind and his tool of choice is the sonic screwdriver that never leaves his person.

He’s ancient. Bright green eyes that seem to soften whenever they stare into yours, eyes that mirror the way the stars burn and the way civilizations have fallen at his hands; Eyes that shine as brightly as the sun and are so often able to hide the one thing he never allows you to see.

Rage.

You had the option to stay or go after you watched The Pond family break apart in front of his eyes and remained helpless to do anything about it. After that, you weren’t sure how to approach him no matter how much you wanted to. You had stayed because you thought you’d be a balm to the ache of his hearts.

No matter how much you believe, there is not one thing that quells the rage of an immortal God with a fierce devotion to humanity. Not one thing.

That doesn’t mean you won’t try though. No matter what you do, or how you feel, you can’t just blink away the complete and total adoration for the man with the flailing limbs and the stupidly sexy purple waist coat.

So one day, you wake up extremely early and hobble out of your room to the kitchen where the TARDIS hums beneath your fingers and guides you on making The Doctor a breakfast he’ll actually eat. Contrary to popular belief, the Gallifreyan loves his tea and depending on his mood, he can eat like a racehorse.

You find him talking to himself in the console room. Your eyes crinkle at the smile that turns your expression upward at the sight of his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, lips pursed in concentration and goggles veiling his eyes that are so intently concentrated on whatever he’s trying to fix inside the console. There’ve been many a nights you listen to the way he pounds that console until the TARDIS practically groans inside your head for relief from her thief. You’ve patched up wounded hands and coated him in antiseptic and ointment without so much as a word.

He keeps his rage very carefully hidden behind quirky quips and a smile. A smile that could bring you to your knees if he so wanted.

“More pointless repairs, old man?”

“Oi!” The Doctor bangs his head on the metal as he whips around to meet your gaze. His eyes settle on the tray in your hands and your soft, warmed shape all wrapped up in a discarded bathrobe you’d taken as your own months beforehand. Before the Ponds, before Clara.. before it all became wrong. “There’s no such thing as a pointless repair. Anyway, what’s this?”

“Your breakfast.” You amble over to the front doors of the TARDIS and open them, peering out into the great beyond of the galaxy he’s settled you in. It’s deep and dark and lovely out there, colors swirling at your feet as stars are born and planets thrive in front of your eyes. “Come sit with me? I enjoy admiring the universe.”

He doesn’t know that when he comes to sit by you, your attention is solely focused on him.

“Mmm. This is good. Really good.”

“Of course it is.” Your fingers dance along the outside of his thigh as he finishes his food and sips at the tea. “I made it. Don’t you pay attention?” Green eyes peer over the rim of his tea cup as you both stare out into the vast nothingness of space. “Or was it just your precious Ponds and the ever-so-interesting girl who died twice for you that you paid attention to?”

The silence fills with a palpable rage. It’s only been a matter of weeks since The Governess died and he found modern Clara watching over two children for a family in London. You’ve always traveled on his heels - like a ghost from another life - but you’re done being a reminder of his pain. You’re done being ignored. You want him to break. You want him to shatter so that eons worth of rage dissipates and he’s finally yours. He doesn’t belong to his rage. You want him.

The truth of it is this: Love should not be this painful.

“We’re not talking about this.” His voice is dark, flat as the tray slams against the floor and he storms back across the console room. He’s been hiding this rage from everyone he meets, including you, because no one should have to see the damage. If people see the damage then the man beneath is exposed and he does not want to hurt anyone else. He’s cried enough tears to last millennia. “We are not talking about this!”

“You barely talked about it when you spent all those months stuck on your cloud in Victorian London hiding from me! When no one else was there, I was! When your demons became too much to bear and the dark was suffocating you, I was there!” You are one of the few people who has never been afraid of what The Doctor is capable of. Even in the sight of centuries worth of rage and grief, you are unafraid. “You’ve been so consumed in your grief over things you can’t control that you’ve stopped seeing me!”

Your hands find his chest and pound, pound, pound until they start aching. You can see them behind your eyes - River’s silence, Amy’s tears, The Doctor and his screaming - and for some reason you start pounding harder but it doesn’t seem like he’s noticed.

His rage is still very carefully contained.

“I want you to break!” You’re yelling now. Weeks worth of unspoken words pour from your mouth and no matter how much you want to, you find you just can’t stop. “You’re not letting yourself feel it, Doctor! You’re not letting yourself grieve The Ponds, you’re not letting yourself grieve the first two versions of Clara that you lost because you feel like it’s all your fault and you could’ve prevented it, but you can't! You want to see the best of humanity?” You push yourself away from him. Tears streak openly down your face and the Timelord finds his hearts aching at the sight of you breaking. Not for yourself, but for him. “This is it, Doctor. Humans feel things: Love and joy and sadness and anger and heartbreak. Suffering is a part of the human condition. Our lives are so finite that nothing is permanent. People will be lost, people will die and people will leave you. But me? I..” You curl your hands at your side and swallow the knot in your throat. “I won’t leave you because..”

I love you. It’s right there, right on the tip of your tongue, and you are absolutely terrified to say it.

“You should not be breaking because of me.” His voice is quiet, heavy with guilt as you open your eyes to meet his own.

“Oh..” You breathe. “Old man, I’ve been breaking because of you since the day we met. Now I’m always breaking because I-” He steps closer, eyes shining beneath the dimmed lights of the console room. There’s still no rage in his eyes. There’s something there you haven’t seen in weeks. Something that belongs solely to the Doctor: Hope. “I love you. I love you.”

His hearts drop into his stomach. The Doctor stands in front of you, expression vulnerable and hearts laid bare as this is the first time anyone has ever said that to him and he just doesn’t know what to do.

“And you won’t accept it because you feel like it’s undeserved.” Your fingers cradle his chin in your hands as you slowly ease him to his knees, afraid they’ll give out by the shock of your admission. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone more deserving of love.”

The rage of a grieving man is quiet. It boils beneath the skin and sinks deep into the bones, permeates the soul until it festers there and takes over the body. Grief is all-consuming. You cannot shake grief until you feel it.

In the darkness of his console room, The Doctor sees the ghosts of his beloved Ponds - all three of them - and the Governess who’d stood in your very spot before she’d been dragged off his cloud and learned how to fly. He sees them, and he cries for the things he’s lost.

Except this time he isn’t alone.

The ancient man with the bright eyes and the bleeding hearts thrusts himself outward to pull you into his embrace, urging you into his lap to where you can wrap your legs around his torso and bury your face in his neck as he trembles beneath your touch. Your fingers dance up and down his spine, whispering words of comfort against the shell of his ear as he weeps. Centuries worth of grieving.

Companions he’d lost.

Companions who had died.

Companions he’d never gotten the chance to have. People. They were all just people and oh if The Doctor did not love his humans.

“I love you.” You whisper. “I loved you as a girl loves the universe. Except the universe isn’t all the stars and planets and moons and infinity. The universe is you.” You take his hands in your own again and press his palms against your cheeks. “The sun is in your warmth and the stars are in your eyes. All the girls fall in love with the universe, but falling for the universe made me fall in love with you. The Doctor. Healer, wise man,” You lean forward to rest your forehead against his own. “Hero.”

The Doctor licks at his lips. Red rimmed eyes flicker between yours eyes and your mouth, and he whispers, “Kiss me.”

A supernova explodes between you two the moment his lips touch yours, and for a moment, you allow yourself to be enveloped by the sheer majesty of the universe.

#Eleventh Doctor #Eleventh Doctor x Reader #The Doctor x Reader #Doctor Who oneshots #Doctor Who imagines

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zelda-ffitzgerald · 3 years ago

Note

I don’t really care about that girl or anything she does for the most part but parading around very very young unvaccinated puppies that look like they can barely even open their eyes still is actually really dangerous and ill advised. Clara’s dog goes everywhere with them and I would be terrified to think what could be passed to those tiny babies. I have no idea why she would pick puppies that young if she was just using them as accessories in her popularity contest. She should have gotten an older one. Is she dumb or just cruel?

Both probably. I’ve seen no evidence she cares about anyone or anything more then herself and her thirst for clout. I’m sure the rescue gave her very detailed fostering instructions. She doesn’t care. The shit with her face is one thing, who cares, but endangering helpless animals is quite another. Who knows if Clara’s dog is even fully vaccinated. She never bothered to spay her.

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theroseandcrown · 4 years ago

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The Rose & Crown: Chapter Twenty-Three (Part Four)

Rating: M Chapters: 23/24

Summary: With Missy defeated and the paradox on the verge of collapse, the Doctor and Clara must face their final moments together before the timeline is wiped out forever.

Read this story on another platform: Archive of Our Own Fan Fiction WattPad

The Doctor observed from afar as Missy sat slumped in her chair. Her catatonic condition was brought to life by the wide-eyed terrified expression on her face. He could only imagine what sort of horrors she was being forced to face. The sight of her helpless crumpled form before him was nearly unbearable. If only it hadn’t needed to come to this. As many times as they had tried to kill each other in the past, this was the best option he had to ensure he could win without either of them being harmed.

After a moment, the doors to the TARDIS opened and Clara exited the box. She rested her hand upon the frame as her eyes met with the familiar presence of her Time Lord. “Doctor,” she called to him softly.

He quickly spun around at the sound of her voice. “Clara,” he whispered back, feeling relieved by the sight of her presence. They cautiously approached each other and met in the middle of the room, their focus drawn to one another as if nothing beyond them mattered. There were so many things he wanted to say yet didn’t know where to start or how to begin. Being forced to openly deny his love for her had destroyed him on the inside. And now that they were standing in front of each other again, all he could think about was wanting to hold her in his arms and tell her how sorry he was. But he feared that it was too late. That he had already ruined everything between them. “Are you okay?” he managed to ask.

“I’m alright. She didn’t hurt me,” she assured him. His eyes softened with apology and remorse as the events of the evening continued to tear him apart. She knew all too well the pain he was suffering at the cost of risking their friendship to save her. All she had left to offer was her compassion and understanding. “That was a nice touch back there, your tragic confession. Not your best performance, but she seemed to have bought it pretty well,” she teased, attempting to lighten the mood between them.

Though surprised by her words, he was greatly pleased to hear that she had seen passed his deception and through to his hearts. “How did you know I was lying?”

A compassionate smile passed over her as she gazed at him. “The way you look at me. The way you’ve always looked at me. That was never a lie.”

Matching her smile as best he could, he delicately took her by the waist to pull her closer and lowered his glance to the space between them. His hand passed along the front of her and gently pressed against her middle. “Is it true?” he asked, his eyes lifting to read her expression carefully.

Her smile quickly faded as her guilt of having kept him in the dark about her condition devoured her. She fought her shameful tears and found the courage to tell him the truth. “Yes.”

He closed his eyes and sighed disheartenedly. “How far?”

“A few weeks, maybe more,” she answered, realizing how long she had been hiding her secret from him. “I knew the moment I felt the warmth.”

The moment between them became still as his senses were lured towards a pair of tiny hearts beating deep within her. His fingers protectively spread over their source as he met with the new life form growing inside of her. The feel of his child’s pulse beneath his palm was both sentimental yet incredibly tragic as if he were welcoming them into existence and bidding them farewell at the same time. “Oh, Clara,” he whispered, meeting her eyes with his tearful gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would we have ever gotten this far if I had?” she wondered, though she already knew the answer. Coming to terms with the reality they were facing, he nodded softly in understanding. He pulled her towards his chest and wrapped his arms around her in a loving embrace. She laid her head against him and allowed her tears to fall openly as the wound of her betrayal set in. “I’m sorry, Doctor. I know how much this baby means to you.”

He sighed and kissed the top of her head. Though the chances of meeting his child were highly improbable, he couldn’t imagine what the alternative would have been if he had lost his companion instead. “Don’t be sorry. As long as I still have you, that’s all that truly matters,” he replied. He held her quietly for a few moments before turning his attention towards his daughter who approached the couple holding the Comasphere out to him. He nodded his appreciation and placed the sphere into his pocket. Releasing his companion, he turned to face his oldest friend who remained seated in her comatose state staring off into oblivion. He made his way to her desk and peered down at a series of neatly stacked letters upon its surface. Retrieving them, a small smile passed over his face as he thought about all the hardships he had overcome just to reach this point. How far he had come to finally win.

Clara regained herself and approached his side to better observe what had taken his interest. “What are they?”

Turning towards her, his brow playfully raised at the question. “Beethoven’s Fifth,” he answered with a child-like grin and tucked the letters neatly into his pocket.

“What will happen to her now?” she asked, glancing at Missy’s unresponsive form. For a moment, it was almost as if there was a part of her that couldn’t help but feel sorry for the deranged woman. Almost.

“She can’t hurt anyone. As long as she remains here, she will be trapped in fear by what she has done.”

“You’re just going to leave her here like this?” she questioned him, knowing how unlike him that sounded.

“No,” he assured her. “If we have indeed altered the future, then she will be released. It will be as if none of it ever happened. And if not, then I will come back for her. That is until I’ve felt she has endured enough.” He sighed and took one last look at his most notable foe. “Perhaps one day we will set aside our differences. Until then, I might be in the market for something large enough to keep her contained for a while,” he laughed and glanced over his shoulder towards Quynn, only to discover her sombre expression staring off into the void of her thoughts. His smile quickly faded at the sight of it. He cleared his throat and peered down at his companion. “Clara, will you give us a minute?” he asked, observing her curious expression at the request. “I’ll see you in the TARDIS, okay?”

Her eyes diverted towards Quynn for a brief moment then returned to his in understanding. “Of course,” she complied before removing herself from his presence. Approaching their daughter, she wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tightly. Surprised by her mother’s sudden affection, Quynn hesitantly embraced her caring gesture. “Thank you,” Clara whispered, hiding her face behind Quynn’s shoulder. Feeling her tears returning, she released her and leaned away to see her face. She placed her hand on her cheek and smiled tearfully as she gazed upon her one last time. Doing her best to maintain her composure, she returned to the desk and took up the carrier in her arm before heading through the open doors of the TARDIS.

Now alone, the Doctor tucked his hands in his pockets and hesitantly stepped towards his daughter. “Where will you go?” he asked solemnly.

Quynn smirked to herself as she thought about how his determination to remain hopeful in even the bleakest of times was worthy of her admiration. Deep down, they both understood the cost of what they had done and what it would mean for both of them. And yet, just this once, maybe there was room in her hearts to view things in a different light as he did, even if only very briefly. “Perhaps I’ll create my own path throughout the stars.”

He smiled as best he could as the pain of their inevitable reality settled inside of him. “Don’t run. Stay with us,” he pleaded softly.

Quynn drew her attention towards the time-machine where the sight of her mother could be seen rocking the baby in her arms. “She needs you,” she replied, looking to him once more. “If this doesn’t work, the child will need a father in her life to show her the ways of the universe.”

A regretful sigh escaped him as the memory of everything that had been taken from him began to surface. No matter where they were to go from there or what was to happen, he’d never be able to fix what had so wrongfully been done to her. “I wish things had turned out differently for us,” he confessed, doing what little he could to hold back his heartbreak.

“Everything is as it should be,” she comforted him, taking a moment to find the words to say that would earn his understanding in exchange for the gratitude she had gained from his wisdom. “A brave man once told me that life is very fleeting when you’re not immortal. I only wish I had understood what he meant sooner. I’ve come to realize that our existence in this universe is never guaranteed. That the paths we forge can only be carved by the choices we make. If we’ve accomplished anything here today, I can only hope I have given back what I’ve taken from so many. You and I both know that for balance to be restored to the universe, I must never exist. I have accepted that,” she explained as genuinely as she knew how to be.

Turning his head, he glanced towards his companion. He watched from a distance as she carefully placed their baby in her bassinet and admired her from above. He smiled warm-heartedly as she rested her hand over her middle and allowed her fingers to brush over the surface with great affection for the life she carried inside of her. The elation she displayed towards their growing family was enough to bring even the smallest glimpse of hope for what the future had in store for them. “Never say never,” he replied, returning his attention to his daughter. “Perhaps our paths will cross again one day.”

“Yes, perhaps they will,” she smiled in return and extended her hand to offer a final farewell. “Goodbye, father.”

Peering down at the gesture, he took her hand in both of his and brought it to his lips to kiss it softly. He returned his tearful eyes to hers and took in every last detail of her before releasing her from his grasp. Glancing towards the blue box, he headed in the direction of his companion. He crossed the threshold and turned towards his daughter, nodding his farewell before closing the doors to this reality for what would be the last time.

His grasp upon the handle, he inhaled a deep breath and called to arms all the courage he had remaining to help prepare himself for what he knew was to come. After everything they had been through together, after all the challenges they had faced, the hardest part was finally upon them; their final moment together. There would be no turning back now, it was only a matter of time. Releasing the handle, he slowly turned to face his companion. The sight of her presence before him relieved him of his held breath, being drawn to her beauty as if she were the very last flame still fighting to bring an essence of life into the surrounding darkness. Taking his place beside her at the console, his eyes gazed into hers as if he would never leave them.

“So, I suppose this is it then,” she spoke solemnly, fighting the flood of emotions attempting to gain control over her heart.

“I suppose so,” he answered sorrowfully.

Her eyes fell shyly to the floor as she tucked her hair behind her ear and allowed a small smile to spread across her lips. “We made a pretty good team back there.”

He matched her smile with his own and brought his hand to her chin, carefully lifting her gaze to meet with his once more. “You were brilliant.”

Her expression brightened for only a moment at his affection. “I had a good teacher.” Her eyes passed back and forth to each of his as the reality of what they had done forced its way into her soul. “We won’t remember any of this, will we?”

He sighed and held back the tears that yearned to form. “No,” he whispered, trying his hardest to stay strong for her as his hearts tore themselves apart. “The moment we leave here, every event that had led up to this point would never have happened. All that had been accomplished would cease to be. The paradox will be shattered.”

She swallowed the pain rising from within her, feeling every bit of it burning her throat as she fought her tears in his presence. Attempting to shield herself from the look of heartbreak in his eyes, she glanced at their child resting peacefully in her bassinet. She hesitantly approached her side and peered down at their sleeping baby girl. “Will it hurt her?”

“No, she won’t feel a thing. She’ll have no idea that anything has happened,” he assured her.

“Will I ever see her again?”

“I wish I knew the answer to that. All I can tell you is that I know how deeply her parents love each other, even when they don’t say it. Even though they should. People like us, we should say what is really in our hearts. Our truth was never meant to be kept hidden away. Never a moment wasted. No matter where we are to go from here, as long as we remain bound by the love we share between us, there will always be hope for her and perhaps more in the future.”

Clara smiled towards their baby as the sincerity of his words warmed her heart. Even at the most difficult of times, he always knew exactly what to say. Lowering herself to her, she closed her eyes and softly kissed their daughter’s cheek, knowing this was goodbye. But maybe not forever. Perhaps there was still a chance they would see each other again one day. Returning to her natural stance, she took a deep breath and nodded as confidently as she could. “I’m ready, Doctor.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, raising his brow.

“No,” she answered, turning to face him once more. “And I don’t expect that I ever will be. But I’ll have you, and that’s as good a place as any to start.” She smiled and returned to his side, to the place she knew in her heart she would always belong.

He returned her smile and carefully took her hands in his, feeling comforted by the trace amount of electricity flowing through her fingers. Bringing them to his lips, he gently kissed their surface and gazed tenderly into her eyes, knowing everything he wanted to say to her she already knew. Once ready, his smile brightened to the newfound enthusiasm taking place inside of him. “So, Clara Oswald. What would you say to another adventure?”

She couldn’t help the grin that formed on her face at the offer. “What did you have in mind?”

He excitedly released his grasp on her at the question and hurried along the outside of the console, swinging the view-screen around to the other side as he circled it. As he animatedly began to fire up the engines, he looked to her with a new sense of exhilaration in his eyes. “How about the fiery rings of Collabria?! Or a holiday on Halergan Three?! Your choice! Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space!”

“Back in time for tea?” she asked playfully, peering around the glass pillars of the time rotor to observe his elated expression.

“I’ll do my best,” he replied, smirking at the unmistakable look of wonder in her eyes he missed so dearly as it finally made its return to her face.

“Just like old times then,” she laughed and rushed around the console to his side.

“All of time and the universe, right at our fingertips! Anything could happen!” he exclaimed. His fingers danced energetically over the buttons and keys in front of him as he awakened all of the ship’s systems.

“We best get on with it then. The planets aren’t going to save themselves,” she teased.

“Just the Doctor and Clara Oswald in the TARDIS. What would you say to lunch on a distant asteroid, followed by breakfast in ancient Rome?! Then cocktails on the moon! Why? Because we’re time travellers and that’s how we roll!”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she replied, gripping the edge of the console in anticipation.

“It could be dangerous,” he grinned excitedly.

“I’m counting on it,” she grinned back.

His gaze never leaving his companion’s, he placed his hand on the lever and held it steady as the emotion observed within her eyes captivated his soul. He took a deep breath and allowed every part of himself to be immersed by the vast amount of electricity between them striking the air. “This is it, Clara. Our moment of truth. The end of the line. There’s no going back. No guarantees. From this point forward, our futures will be uncertain. Our fates left unsealed. One last pull of this lever, there’s no telling what might be waiting for us out there.”

Closing the small distance between them, she peered up at his beaming expression and hesitated for only a moment before nodding confidently in his presence. “Then we’ll do it together,” she smiled brightly and placed a gentle hand atop his own with care. “Just as we always have.”

He returned her smile and brought his remaining hand to carefully rest upon her cheek, taking in every detail of her for all it was worth. She was every bit as beautiful to him as the very first time he laid eyes upon her in his previous form, and she always would be. “My impossible girl,” he spoke softly, allowing his fingers to brush over the surface of her soft skin and through her hair. He delicately cupped her head in his palm and gazed into her vibrant brown eyes as they stared back at him. He slowly leaned his head towards hers and stopped, their lips nearly touching. “See you on the other side.” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to hers as a wave of passion came over him, savouring every moment of her divine taste for what could be the very last time.

Gripping the lever securely, they pulled it down together and held onto each other tightly. The time rotor suddenly began to spring into action. Its mechanisms ascended and descended back into itself as the TARDIS signature melody of time travel clattered all around them. The feel of its engines purred underneath their feet as the living machine dematerialized towards their next unknown destination.

And then there was a flash of light…

#dr who #dr who fan fiction #dr who fanfiction #12th doctor #doctor who #doctor who fanfiction #twelfth doctor #the doctor #twelve/clara #clara oswald #whouffaldi

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mxmeiyun · 4 years ago

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Doctor Who season overviews

My friend is embarking on the wonderful journey of watching of “Doctor Who” and asked me for a rundown of what episodes she absolutely has to watch, my favorites, and ones that can be skipped. I thought I’d share them here in case anyone else was interested. Also I’m curious what anyone else’s thoughts on some must-view episodes.

(Will be updating as my friend reaches each season.)

Series 1

Definitely watch 1 because it’s where everything starts and you start to get a vibe for how the show goes. A fantastic place to start, if you will.

2 is a fun one with a plethora of aliens. If you’ve seen gifs of the Doctor jamming to “Toxic” by Brittany Spears, this is where that’s from.

3 is the first “historical” episode of the revival. Ok episode overall. Has ghosts and a bit an unintentional easter egg for future episodes/series.

4-5 are a bit silly but also I think have some good characterization of the Doctor and why sometimes he needs a friend to keep him in check.

6 introduces you to a classic DW alien so you should watch it.

7 is good to watch because it sort of sets up some stuff for the finale but I also find the guest characters kinda annoying.

8 is good if you want to learn more about Rose and that becomes more important to later stories and the next season.

9-10 is an all around fan favorite (certainly one of mine) and introduces a re-occurring fan favorite character. The reason why gas masks will forever make me uneasy.

11 follows up after the events of 4-5 (all three could be skipped if you want to go along faster).

12-13 are the finale and should be watched.

Series 2

0 (the Christmas special) is the first one with David Tennant as the Doctor, a muse-watch in my books. (Also, some things happen that become very important in later stories but I won’t say more because spoilers.) Introduces a new important character and re-introduces something

1 has cat people.

2 is a fun one and has an easter egg of sorts for future stories/characters but isn't necessary for major plot line. It’s one of the ones I like to rewatch.

3 sees the return of an old fan favorite companion from Old Who (before this still ongoing revival).

4 is skippable unless you like some fancy French aesthetic or are into automatons.

5-6 you should watch. Re-introduction of another classic Who monster.

7 is kinda weird.

8-9 are a good, kinda creepy story. Sees the introduction of the Ood, which are one of my dad’s personal favorites, who will also pop up later.

10 is literally one of the dumbest eps ever.

11 I literally don’t remember at all but the internet tells me it involves a small child, and Doctor Who does have some good, creepy episodes playing on stereotypical childhood fears.

12-13 are the two part finale so you definitely have to watch those. Prepare for some serious emotions, though.

Series 3

0 (Christmas special) introduces Donna Noble. Must watch, but I won’t say why.

1 introduces the new companion. Also introduces a kind of goofy alien that will pop up again.

2 is a fun one with Shakespeare and witches.

3 sees a return to New New York on New Earth (same setting as 2x01). Should watch because of [spoilers redacted] at the end. (Hint: think of who mysteriously disappeared in that previous episode.)

4-5, as the titles suggest, feature Daleks and imo all Dalek episodes should be watched.

6 is ok. Honestly kind of predictable plot-line.

7 is also ok. Not particularly memorable, but it is the first episode written by Chris Chibnall, who took over as show-runner for Series 11 (first season with Jodie Whittaker, the first female Doctor).

8-9 is a two-parter and is a fan and personal favorite.

10 is unusual because the main characters are not actually the Doctor and Martha, but this is another much-loved episode. Also introduces one of my favorite and most scary (imo) aliens.

11, 12, and 13 all kind of go together. Sees the re-introduction of an important character from the show’s original run. All pretty memorable and Martha is a total badass.

Series 4 (tl;dr: watch all of this series)

0 (Christmas special; you get the drill) is a good one. Sometimes there are episodes where the Doctor meets someone where you just know they’d be a fantastic companion.

1 is a must-see because [spoilers redacted].

2 is another must-see. It’s a solid episode of Who, is yet another good example of why the Doctor shouldn’t travel alone, and as a fun fact, we see two actors who will pop up in later series.

3, as the title implies, sees the return of the Ood! Watch this for some foreshadowing.

4-5 we see a new-to-New-Who alien who is another one that will come to pop up again over time. Honestly the plot and guest characters follow some predictable tropes BUT we also get to see some of [redacted]’s family, which is always good fun.

6 I think is only an okay episode. But meeting the “Doctor’s daughter” (not a spoilers bc its the episode title) is kinda fun. And I think it gives us some interesting insight into companions post their travels with the Doctor.

Also, weird DW fun fact: David Tennant and the actress who plays his daughter is the real-life daughter of actor Peter Davison, who played the Fifth Doctor back in Classic Who, are now married with kids.

7 isn’t integral to any major plot lines, but it’s no doubt a fun one, especially if you like murder mysteries or Agatha Christie.

8-9 are another must-see two fan and personal favorites for many reasons why, but I can’t go into because spoilers! Some good spooky eps that are really downright chilling at times, but not completely without some good comic bits. Love watching this with friends who are watching it for the first time.

10 does an excellent job of being creepy, which is good if you’re into it, but you can skip it if not.

11 is a good one with a timey-wimey plot. Also yay because [spoilers]!

12-13 are an excellent two-part series finale and that’s all I can say.

The Specials (mini series between Series 4 & 5)

1 is good if you like Cybermen

2 has a spunky one-off companion who is a lot of fun

3 is creepy af

4-5 are a must-watch two-parter. If you liked the Series 4 finale (and let’s be real, how could you not), you’ll enjoy this. Also, it’s the last episodes with Russel T. Davies as show-runner.

Series 5

1 introduces the new Eleventh Doctor and their companion, so definitely have to watch that. (Side note: fish fingers and custard is a weird combination but, speaking from personal experience, it’s not terrible.)

2 is a good one with debatable ethical questions and some good insight into the Doctor.

3 is another Dalek episode, but it’s only okay as far as Dalek episodes go. It’s a historical one, if you like those. Fun fact: it’s written by Mark Gatiss, a collaborator of new show-runner Stephen Moffat and guest star from “The Lazarus Experiment.”

4-5 you have to see because spoilers. But it’s very good. Also, has some plot points that are related to the overall story of the Ponds.

6 you get the gist from the title and honestly it’s not terribly exciting. Some fun bits about the new group’s dynamic.

7 is a pretty weird one tbh but should be watched we get companion character development.

8-9 introduces some fun characters that will pop up again every now and then and has a very important plot point. (Fun fact: this one takes place in the year 2020!)

10 is one of the more emotionally-driven episodes and deals with mental health. One of many fan favorites.

11 is lighter fanfare after some honestly pretty heavy episodes that precede it. Not really important to the overall plot, but it’s a fun comedic one.

12-13 are the finale, so obviously definitely watch that. Gets a little timey-wimey.

Series 6

0 is fine, as the Christmas specials go. I’m a little tired of the “man makes it his purpose in life to save his dying love who is kind of helpless in her own story” but the ending’s alright.

1-2 set the stage for the whole series, so those have to be watched.

3 has pirates, which is fun but not necessary to the main story line.

4 has such an intriguing title, so how could you not watch it? Will we finally find out if River and the Doctor are married? Spoilers.

5-6 are key plot points. Love a good doppelgänger.

7 follows immediately after 6, so I can’t say much about it.

8 is a pretty weird one but hold on to your butts for a wild ride.

9 is a properly spooky one. Like, actually low-key terrifying. But not related to the main plot line.

10 is emotionally painful but in a good way.

11 is another creepy one that plays on common fears. Inspired by some Greek mythology, which is fun.

12-13 are the two-part finale, so you know the drill.

Series 7, part I

0 is another only-okay Christmas special. They’re just not as fun as they once were, in my opinion.

1 you have to watch for plot reasons. It’s a good one because [spoilers redacted].

2 is pretty much what it sounds like. We are now also accompanied by Rory’s father, which is pretty amusing. Sees the return of a previously-met alien species. (Fun fact: one of the guest stars is David Bradley from, among other things, the Harry Potter movies.)

3 has some fun moral quandaries.

4 is fun because we see the Doctor having a go at normal Earth life, as well as thee return of some familiar arguably badass faces.

5 is a must-see for plot reasons (and the return of one of my favorite on-again-off-again companions).

Series 7, part II (don’t read below if you haven’t finished part I)

5.5 you have to watch and is a sort of mid-season Christmas special. Sees the return of an Old Who monster as well as several New Who faces.

6 follows up the events of the above special, so you have to see that, too.

7 is good because gives some backstory to Clara.

8 sees the return of another Old Who alien, whose species will pop up later in New Who. I didn’t particularly like nor dislike this one.

9 is a ghost story, which we haven’t really seen in Who for a while. It’s ok.

10 is also only ok but you should watch it for overall plot points.

11 we see the return of the Paternoster Gang, who I find quite amusing, but otherwise I didn’t really like this episode. It’s a little gross.

12 is written by Neil Gaiman so you should watch it. It’s also only fine, but better in my opinion than most of the other episodes in this part of the series.

13 is the series finale and has a rather intriguing title and wraps up this half of the series’ major story arc. Honestly I’m not a fan but you should watch it anyway.

Series 8

1 sees the return of the Paternoster Gang and more dinosaurs, but is also the first episode of the new Doctor and as such should be watched. Also have to keep an eye out at the end for some important scenes.

2 introduces a friend of Clara’s and reintroduces the Daleks but with a bit of a weird twist. Not super key to any main plot lines.

3 is pretty much what the title says it is. “Robot of Sherwood.” It’s meh.

4 is a little timey-wimey and develops some intercharacter relationships but overall isn’t exactly mandatory viewing.

5 is a robbery heist with some sci-fi twists. It’s alright.

In 6 we see Clara trying (and failing) to compartmentalize her life with the Doctor and her regular human on Earth life. It’s decent and there’s a snippet at the end that hints at some overarching plots.

7 tries to make some arguments about ethics but isn’t too convincing. The plot’s kinda fun, though.

8 is another one where the title, “Mummy on the Orient Express” pretty much sums it up. It does have a couple small throwbacks to older New Who seasons.

9 isn’t key to major plot lines but it’s a decent and kind of spooky episode.

10′s kinda dumb but has some weak environmental messaging.

11-12 wrap up the season’s major plot lines.

Series 9

0 is like a Christmas-themed reworking of a previous episode but I won’t say which one because spoilers.

1-2 are a pretty strong two-part season opener, I think. We see the return of some of the Doctor’s oldest friends/enemies.

3-4 are a properly timey-wimey, fairly creepy story. It’s a good one that honestly I wouldn’t want to watch by myself late at night with the house to myself.

5-6 are also timey-wimey AND introduce a character played by Maisie Williams (of “Game of Thrones” fame) who is actually pretty complex for a female character created by Stephen Moffat.

7-8 sees the return of, no surprise here, the Zygones. And also UNIT and Osgood, who is fan service personified but I’m ok with that.

9, in a way, is about the evils of capitalism but in space!

10 is important for plot. (Sees the return of some new old friends.)

11-12 has some good timey-wimeyness and a healthy dose of angst. (Also, the ending is gay and you can’t convince me otherwise.) It’s frustrating, but in an understandable way? I guess?

#doctor who #dw blogging #the doctor #ninth doctor #tenth doctor #eleventh doctor #rose tyler #martha jones #donna noble #my stuff #amy pond #rory williams #river song #paternoster gang #madame vastra #jenny flint #strax

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amyscascadingtabs · 5 years ago

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i’ll walk through hell with you

chapter 2: i guess truth is what you believe in

read chapter one

read on ao3 here

Amy and Leah visit family, a holiday is celebrated, and illness takes over the Santiago-Peralta household.

december

If there is one thing Amy is certain of, stuck in the car with 97 miles to go and an overtired toddler in the back seat, it is that something must be seriously wrong with her.

No one in their right mind says yes to a family weekend upstate with all siblings and their families nine days before Christmas. Not when it’s a three-hour drive. Not while they’re already left alone to care for their child for the weekend due to a time-sensitive and crucial opportunity coming up in a case Jake has worked for two months. Not when previously mentioned child is recovering from a cold and is ten times more cranky and attention-craving than normal.

Except - apparently - Amy.

She doesn't know what the fuck she was thinking.

She knows some thought went into her plan, such as the idea to drive late at night so Leah could sleep in the car. She simply wishes it could have worked, because right now the toddler is singing Wheels On The Bus for the seventeenth time in forty minutes and Amy feels like her head is going to explode. It's a quarter to ten, over two hours past the kid’s bedtime, and so far she refuses to fall asleep. She's wide awake in her seat, chatting and laughing and singing like there’s no tomorrow. If Amy had as much as a spare drop of energy left -even better, if there had been another parent in the car to focus on entertaining their child - the whole thing would have been adorable, but tonight it’s exhausting above anything else.

“Maaa-maaa?” Leah shouts the word from the back seat, wildly kicking her legs against the back cushioning, and Amy has to take a deep breath before she can reply in a calm tone.

“Yes, baby?”

“Are we there?”

“Not yet, Lee.”

Amy can see the reflection of Leah scrunching her forehead in the baby car mirror. “Why?”

“Because we still have a little way left to drive. We’ll be there soon, I promise.”

“Soon?” Leah shines up, kicking her legs again. “When is soon?”

“It will go faster if you close your eyes for a while,” She tries, using one of the oldest parenting tricks in the book. “I promise.”

“Not tired!” Her daughter responds in her cheeriest voice, and Amy gives herself a mental pat on the back for stifling a groan.

They repeat this exchange about ten times or so before Leah tires of it and returns to her singing. At that point, Amy’s counting it as a win. As much as she loves being this kid’s mom, there are indubitably times - and late-night drives with an overtired two-year-old in the back seat - when she loves it less.

Then Leah falls asleep for the last ten miles of the drive and clutches her arms and legs around Amy like a koala to a tree when she’s lifted out of her car seat and carried to bed, and it’s easier than ever to love being a mom.

There’s never an uneventful day with all of the Santiagos in the same house, and it’s not any more relaxing with the extra presence of six partners, twelve grandchildren, and one dog. From the moment Amy and Leah make their way down to the kitchen for breakfast, and the toddler finds out there might be a cookie baking session with grandma happening today, the day is in full swing. Leah joins her in facetiming Jake for a few minutes to say good morning, but after that, Amy barely sees her daughter for more than a split second in several hours.

The chaos is a welcome distraction. She plays Cards Against Humanity with Luis’s teenage daughters and Julian until Simon starts begging them to help him make a YouTube video, and she teaches five-year-old Noah how to draw the perfect portrait of a horse. She reads a story to three-year-old Maisie, and she laughs heartily at the sight of Leah chasing Oscar the Bichon Frise around while yelling Kitty Cat!. For a few, wondrous hours, Amy manages to live in blissful oblivion over the two starkly negative pregnancy tests she unceremoniously shoved in the bathroom trash can before leaving yesterday, and it feels like heaven.

It feels like heaven up until she joins the crew of brothers and partners currently taking up space in the kitchen. Her brother Isaac is parked in the middle of the kitchen couch, feeding the youngest Santiago member, just-turned one-month-old Milo, with a bottle; around him Camila, Luis, Tony and his wife Clara all fawn over and admire every aspect of the newborn’s appearance. Christian, Julian and Julian’s husband Lucas are at the other end of the kitchen cuddling with and doting on the exhausted dog, and Amy silently curses her allergies for making her unable to join them. Simon just brought out his camera in the living room and she refuses to risk another unwilling YouTube appearance, so her only option is to sit down with the team of awestruck baby-admirers.

“You forget how tiny they are,” Luis says, watching the infant with a nostalgic glance in his eyes. “I’ve had five, and you never get used to it.”

“You don’t,” Camila confirms with a small laugh, reaching out to stroke the baby’s closed fist with her thumb and index finger. “Not even I do. I’m shocked every time!”

“I thought I remembered everything from when Maisie was born.” Isaac grins, giving the empty baby bottle to Camila and carefully lifting the infant upright against his shoulder. “But then he comes out, and I think he must be several pounds lighter because surely Maisie was never this tiny, but he was bigger!” He shakes his head. “It’s insane.”

“He’s so cute,” Tony chimes in. “Do you get to sleep anything? I’m nervous about that.” His left hand is resting next to Clara’s on top of her visible baby bump. Amy lets out an audible snort upon hearing about her brother’s main cause for worry, but Isaac just grins.

“You get used to it. It’ll probably be worse for Clara anyway.”

“Great.” Clara grimaces, turning to Amy. “I can’t even sleep now! I either have a baby sleeping on top of my bladder or kicking me in the ribs for the whole night.”

“I remember.” She smiles, thinking back to the few times late in her pregnancy she’d made Jake sleep on the couch only because she couldn’t stand listening to his snoring on top of it all. “It sucks, and then everyone keeps telling you to sleep while you still can and you’re trying not to punch them.”

“Exactly!” Her sister-in-law laughs, tucking a strand of red-blonde hair behind her ear. “At least everyone says it’s worth it.”

“If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have done it so many times,” says Camila, and Clara looks relieved. “Oh, Amy, you need to hold Milo for a little while! He’s been in everyone’s arms except for yours today. Isaac, send him to Amy.”

“Oh.” She squirms in her seat, a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach. “It’s okay. I was just going to look for Leah anyway -”

“Leah’s upstairs doing puzzles with Sarah and Samuel,” Isaac explains, referring to David’s two-year-old twins. “She’s fine. You can hold him, Ames.”

“I think I’m good… okay, no choice, I see.” Her younger brother’s already holding out the infant to her, and before she can adjust to the thought, there’s a tiny, yawning baby in her arms.

It’s achingly familiar, yet it feels like it’s been forever.

At first, it’s like every muscle fiber in her body tenses with the sudden awareness that there's a fragile, helpless human in her arms and the weight of terrifying responsibility resting with her for a moment. It's been two years since Amy last held a newborn, and she certainly forgot how breakable they feel when they haven't learned to support their own head. Then Milo lets out a content sigh, his mouth twitching like he's smiling at her, and although she knows he's too small and it's likely just gas, the brief facial expression makes her feel chosen.

She's missed this, she realizes. Noting the classic Santiago baby appearance traits, the head of dark hair and the little button nose, she thinks of countless hours spent holding her own clingy newborn two years ago, and bites her lip when she remembers that she still has no idea when she’ll get to do it again. Milo’s adorable, and Amy's secretly wishing he could stay in her arms forever or she could steal him and take him home with her, but he's also a painful reminder of what she wants most and doesn't have yet.

“He likes you,” Isaac comments, nodding towards the infant. “You and Jake haven’t thought of having another one?”

She freezes at the sound of his question, instantly clueless about what constitutes a good reply. She could tell him the truth, of course, and probably receive a flood of well-meaning advice about the best ways to conceive, but doing so would lead to expectations. Santiagos aren’t known for struggling to have kids, and she’s terrified of handling a hoard of family members subtly trying to figure out whether or not she's pregnant every time they see her. It's enough pressure coming from herself. She doesn't need people adding to it - least of all her family.

“Oh,” she says instead, avoiding eye contact by playing with one of Milo’s fists. “Well, we’re not sure yet.”

“Two years is the best age span between siblings,” Luis chimes in. “We always tried to aim for two years and our kids are super close.”

“Yes, yes, two years is perfect,” Camila agrees, nodding eagerly. “The adjustment is much more difficult when they’ve turned three, or four, and suddenly they’re not the youngest anymore… Sometimes I think Tony never got over his grudges against Simon!”

“I’m telling you, mom, that’s not it, we have a grudge because four years ago he made me do that awful cinnamon challenge that almost gave me an asthma attack and filmed it -”

“Two years is great,” Christian interrupts his younger brother’s story without remorse. “We went for two years between Isabel and Noah and it was perfect. You do want to have more than one kid, right?”

Amy has never wished harder for a baby in her arms to start crying.

She needs to get away, out of the situation where she has to hear and answer these sudden intrusive questions, but Milo shows no signs of waking. She’s stuck with a panicky, claustrophobic sensation in her chest and a forced smile on her lips.

“We do,” she replies to Christian’s question, weighing every word carefully. “We’re just not sure when.”

“No point in waiting,” says Isaac, looking at the baby in Amy’s arms. “I wish we’d had Milo earlier!”

There must be a lack of air in the room, or her allergy medicines have stopped working and are making her react to the dog, because she can’t shake the feeling she’s suffocating. She's feeling trapped even in the spacious kitchen, and although she knows everyone has their eyes fixed on Milo, she can't shake the feeling it's her they're staring at.

She wonders if they're seeing right through her; if they somehow know about negative pregnancy tests of yesterday, or if they can sense her desperation and frustration in the fake smile plastered on her face.

“I suppose you never know,” she answers somehow, heart pounding too quickly. “I, uh… have to go to the bathroom. Do you want to hold him for a little while, Clara?”

Amy senses eyes on her as she sneaks out the kitchen, hurries through the hallway and grabs her coat before heading out and sitting down on the porch, but she can't bring herself to care. She has to fill her lungs with fresh air and get away from well-meaning but prying questions, or she’s going to have a full-on breakdown.

There’s a layer of snow on the ground, too thin for any children or adults to be playing in but enough to give a sense of hope for a white Christmas. She scrapes her fingers through the minuscule ice crystals gathered on the wooden decking, drawing an uneven heart with her index finger and following it with another.

You do want to have more than one kid, right?

She draws a third, smaller heart below the two bigger ones.

You and Jake haven’t thought of having another one anytime soon?

She draws a fourth tiny heart next to the third one.

No point in waiting.

She hides her fist in the sleeve of her winter coat, rubbing it over her drawings and turning them into nothingness. She curses the fact that Jake’s working, that he and Rosa are following up some highly important leads today and their mission would likely be sabotaged if she called and interrupted her husband now, and she curses the fact that Leah’s having the time of her life playing with her cousins and would probably scream in protest if Amy tried to steal her for cuddles.

It’s not too cold outside with her warm coat keeping her comfortable, but she’s still shivering, so she wraps her arms around herself and tries to blink away the tears taking form in her eyes.

She’s aware she’s being ridiculous. Having a baby takes more than a couple months of trying in many, many cases - the majority of them, even. She’s far from unique, yet a sneaking suspicion and vexing anxiety are lingering with her.

No point in waiting.

She puts one hand on her chest and one hand over her stomach, trying to focus on the fresh air flowing in through her nose and out through her mouth, filling and leaving her for each inhale and exhale.

“Just relax,” she whispers to herself, pretending it's Jake's voice saying the words, his unwavering belief that it will all be fine she's listening to.

“Are you sure you’re still my sister? Have you had some kind of personality change?”

“Huh?” Amy almost jumps at the sound of Julian’s voice, bringing her out of her focused breathing and forcing her to look up.

“You’re willingly outside in the cold weather,” he declares, slumping down next to her. “Even with a coat on, that's impressive for you.” She notes that he's only wearing a hoodie himself and seems unbothered by the temperature.

“I needed fresh air.”

“Because of Oscar? I swear his breed is supposed to be allergy-friendly, we researched that stuff in depth. Maybe your allergies are just undefeatable?”

“No, it’s fine as long as I don't pet him.” Amy places a hand on her brother's shoulder, squeezing it. “Oscar’s great. Leah's in love with him.”

“Isn't he amazing?” Julian's grin is comically wide, his eyes sparkling with undiluted pride. “He can sit, and roll, and catch, and play dead if he gets enough candy! Parenthood is incredible. I’m so glad our kids get along.” He doesn't entirely sound like he’s joking, and Amy can't help but laugh at his excitement. “So if it wasn't Oscar, why did you leave?”

“Were you listening to the conversation?”

“Eh, bits and pieces. How so?”

She sighs. “They - mom, and Isaac and Christian, mostly - interrogated me about whether we’re planning to have another baby anytime soon.”

“And you’re not?”

“We are! We’re actively trying for it.”

“Oh! Cool,” Julian nods, scratching the stubble on his chin. “I can get behind that. I wouldn't have anything against reproducing with those Peralta genes either if I could.” Amy elbows her brother in the side at that, probably way harder than necessary, and it makes him gasp in offense. “Hey! It’s just objective facts that he's attractive!”

“I’m telling Lucas you said that.”

“Lucas agrees. Either way - if you actually are trying, what's with the tears and the sudden storming out?”

“I didn't storm out,” she protests, and he gives her a meaning look of judgment as if to say yes, you did. “And it's nothing.”

Julian snorts. “Sure it is.”

“It's not a big deal.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“It's just making me a little stressed is all.”

“A little.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Amy groans, placing her head in both hands and quickly running her fingers through her hair. There's a knot in the back of it, and she busies herself trying to pull it apart as she speaks. “We are trying. It's just not going very well yet, I guess. It’s making me nervous, and it's not something I want to tell everyone in our family about, because, well… we’re not exactly known for struggling with that.”

Julian is silent, and there’s a moment where Amy wonders if she’s managed the impossible. For all their countless petty fights and differences, Julian has always had a reply to offer her. Sometimes he’s supportive, sometimes questioning, and sometimes he’s all over judging her decisions, but he never ignores her worries when she chooses to confide in him. It throws her off to see him take so long to answer her now, and she watches him twist the white gold wedding ring on his finger absentmindedly while he grimaces.

“No,” he says right as she starts to consider tapping him on the shoulder to make sure he’s conscious. “I guess we’re not known for struggling with anything. Has this… been a problem for a long time?”

“A couple of months.”

“...Is that a long time? I’m not great with this heterosexual business. I’m much better with waiting times for adopting a dog.”

The corner of her mouth twitches. “It’s not that long. But it’s longer when you don’t have a lot of time to begin with.” Julian looks about as perplexed as if she’d been trying to explain the intricate details of quantum physics to him, and she clarifies. “Fertility decreases as you age.”

“Right. Yeah.”

“I’m thirty-nine. Maybe I shouldn't panic yet, but in a year, or two…” Amy shakes her head. “It gets really low. Higher chances of miscarrying. Chromosome variations. Premature birth. You name it. Basically, the sooner I get pregnant now, the better and safer it is for everyone.”

“I see.”

“So there's some time pressure,” she explains further, connecting her hands inside the coat sleeves to eliminate the cold that's started to seep in. “And it’s making me terrified something's wrong with me already. That it's not going to work. That we’ll never be able to have a second kid. I know that's maybe not the end of the world, but… I really, really want it, and I’d be heartbroken if it didn’t happen.”

A pair of stubborn, humiliating teardrops make their way down her cheeks at the thought, and she untangles her hands to quickly wipe them away.

“I’m sure it'll work out, Ames.” Julian's smile is partly sympathetic and partly insecure when he speaks, like this subject is miles out of his comfort zone but he's trying his best anyway. “As you said, two months is nothing, right? Mom was like, 42 when she had Simon. Surely if anyone's got the genes for this, it’s our family.”

“Yeah. It's never a guarantee, though, and I can’t handle their questions. Two years is the best time between siblings,” she imitates in an exaggerated high-pitched tone, and Julian laughs heartily. “As if I wasn’t already pressuring myself about the same thing. But I can't tell them that, because then they’d start asking.”

“Mm, our family does lack all understanding of what privacy is sometimes.” Julian grins. “There are several options even for gay men! Surrogates! Adoption! I read this article in a magazine where a pair co-parented with lesbians!” His shrill imitation tone is awful and hilarious at the same time, making Amy snicker. “I think she was mad at me for weeks after I told her we were happy with a dog. She means well, but it just becomes a lot.”

“Doesn’t get easier when it’s something you already want, either.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Maybe. I hope so.”

“If not, I’m pro-dogs. They’re pretty much like children, except you don’t have to create a college fund for them. A win-win situation if it weren’t for the fact that owning a dog could probably kill you. But other than that!” Julian stretches his arms over his head, looking mighty proud of himself. “Solid.”

“I’m already busy trying to talk Jake out of buying a cat,” says Amy, massaging her temples at the thought. “But he’s managed to get Leah obsessed with them, so I think I’m losing.”

“That’s why she’s calling Oscar a cat! Wow. Jake’s a genius.”

“Well, that and she’s two. And please don’t ever tell him that, because his ego would literally explode.”

Amy can feel her face going numb from the cold outside, a sudden gust of wind coming at them and making her eyes tear for a new reason. The fact that she’s lost track of time hits her, awakening an uneasiness and a sudden need to get inside and check up on how her daughter’s doing, so she gives Julian a quick, rare hug, and is surprised when he squeezes her back for a long time.

“Thanks for coming out,” she mumbles, and he nods.

“Of course. I just don’t like seeing you cry.”

“Aww, that’s kind of sweet.”

“You look so weird when you do,” he says with a smirk, and she rolls her eyes at the mock insult. “No one should have to see that.”

“Fuck off, Jules.”

“Yep. Now let’s go make sure our kids are still alive and haven’t eaten any couches. Is that a thing with human children too?”

january

It’s a good Christmas.

It’s a Christmas where Amy can allow herself some time to relax and unwind, put her worries aside and focus on her family during the ten days both her and Jake manage to garner off work. It’s a long-awaited and dearly welcomed break from early daycare drop-offs, ten-minute-dinners, and infinite planning to make sure nothing is forgotten.

Instead there is time for slow wakeups, snuggling with Leah when she crawls into their bed in the early hours of the morning and giving in to her request of watching iPad in their bed only so they can keep their eyes closed for a little while longer. There's time for late-night conversations over a glass of wine that don't feel rushed because at least they don't have somewhere to be tomorrow, and there's time to properly see friends outside of work for the first time in what feels like forever. They go to dinner at Terry’s house, watch Rosa enjoy the indoor trampoline park even more than Leah does, and they gratefully accept Charles’ offer to babysit their daughter for a night. Amy figures the man has a specific motive in mind, but then Jake suggests they spend the night at a hotel and Leah gets ecstatic at the mention of watching Disney movies with her uncle Charles and Nikolaj, so she ends up saying yes. She’s only human, after all, and she’s not going to neglect the rare and precious chance of a sleep-in.

(The date also times mysteriously well with when she should be ovulating.)

(She does not want to ask.)

Even the yearly Christmas dinner with the Santiagos ends up being survivable. Although there are kids crying, odd snarky comments between Tony and Simon, and Leah outright refuses to wear anything but her sequined dinosaur shirt and glittery tights to the event, things proceed smoothly and Amy’s stress levels remain on the healthier part of the scale. She watches Jake hold and make funny faces at Milo and can feel her mom giving them meaning looks from across the room, but she breathes through it and silently thanks the Universe when Leah chooses that exact moment to climb onto Amy’s lap and ask if they can read one of her new books. Sure, part of her wishes she could be gifting her husband a crafted announcement with a baby onesie and a positive pregnancy test much like the ones she’s pinned on Pinterest, but the tender way he hugs her thank you after he opens his gift and sees the photo book filled with pictures with him and Leah, is more than enough to ease her sorrow. He gifts her a gold necklace with the letters J and L in separate miniature hearts, and when he tells her it’s so she can always be keeping them next to her own heart, she tears up and kisses him so long and ardently that he looks a little dazed, blinking with surprise when they part.

It’s a good New Year’s Eve, too. They spend the first part of the evening at the Holt-Cozner New Year’s Party, listening to their daughter proudly tell every guest she’s going to stay up until midnight, and then they try not to laugh when she passes out the moment she’s in her car seat at half-past nine. Jake and Amy end their year in pajamas on the couch, toasting in champagne just for the sake of it and going right to bed afterward.

Next year we’ll have another baby, she thinks to herself before falling asleep about fifteen minutes into the new year, a new sense of shimmering optimism lingering with her. It has to have worked by then.

January is hell. Everyone knows it, specifically, everyone who’s had children at daycare, because January means no one is healthy and neither Jake nor Amy manage a full week at work without taking time off to care for a sick child or themselves. Amy prays they’ll make it through without any cases of stomach flu, but such seems to have been too much to ask, because she’s woken up by devastating crying from Leah’s room on the one night Jake’s doing a night shift and she knows before the two-year-old’s even started retching.

She doesn’t get any sleep that night.

She doesn’t get any sleep the next night either, because when Leah stops throwing up and Amy feels like she can breathe again when the child keeps some applesauce down and asks if she can watch Doc McStuffins, it only takes three hours before Jake starts complaining about feeling sick.

January must surely be some twisted sort of a joke, she thinks, and disinfects her hands an extra time before she goes to remind her very miserable husband that he’s not actually dying.

It’s only natural, amid the virus-filled havoc, that it takes her a few days to realize she hasn’t gotten her period.

Come to think of it, she is feeling a bit nauseous. The excessive fatigue and emotional imbalance she knows were early symptoms in her first pregnancy is harder to distinguish from the exhaustion after two intense days of caring for poorly family members, but she’s a mom and a Santiago and she categorically never gets sick.

She gives the nausea a day, waiting for it to break out into the same flu Jake and Leah are already victims of, but it doesn’t. It stays the same.

Amy’s never been so excited about nausea in her life.

She waits until Leah’s gone to bed, falling asleep in Amy’s arms on the couch. The two-year-old’s still not quite her energetic, bubbly self and has been stuck to her parents like a needy band-aid for most of the day, and it could have been tiring if it hadn’t also meant lots of cuddles. Right now, though, Amy's arms and back are happy to get a break from carrying the kid around while she lays down next to Jake instead, spooning him and receiving a grateful smile when she starts playing with his hair.

“How are you feeling, babe?”

“Dying. I think I might be dead already,” he groans before turning his head and looking her in the eyes with feigned seriousness. “Please say something nice at my funeral and promise me you'll take care of Charles when I'm gone.”

“You're not dying, Jake.”

“How d’you know?”

“Because you haven't thrown up since last night and you only have a slight fever,” she reminds him, feeling his lukewarm forehead. “You're fine.”

“I am definitely much better with a hot girl draped on top of me,” he says with a smug expression, his hand gently stroking under her old NYPD shirt up her back. She rolls her eyes, because looks haven't exactly been the top priority for the last three days and she's not sure when she last washed her hair, yet Jake never stops making an effort to charm her. “How are you feeling, Ames?”

“Actually, I've been kind of nauseous all day. But I'm not sure it's stomach flu.”

“Huh? What else would it be?”

“I'm thinking,” she presses her index finger to his chest, “maybe I should take a pregnancy test.”

“Oh.” He squints at her. “Why?”

Amy gives him an exasperated look.

“Okay, yeah. But you’ve also spent the last three days taking care of your sick family. Leah was throwing up on us. Are you sure you're not just ill?”

“I have a good feeling,” she insists, because she does - there's a renewed sense of hope and blind faith that perhaps this could be it, resting with her. “And I never get sick.”

“Once again, your daughter was vomiting on you and I'm still convinced I might be dying. This is a brutal virus, Ames.”

“Clearly.” She runs her fingers through his messier-than-usual curls again, and his mouth shapes into a content smile despite his still worried eyes. “I’m still going to take that test, though. In case.”

“In case,” he repeats slowly. “Well, it’s your body.”

“Exactly.” She kisses his forehead. “You get it. I’ll be right back.”

Amy takes these tests with ease now. She’s been doing them two, three times extra following every first negative in a desperate hope for the result to change. False negatives are common, test results are safer the longer after a missed period they’re taken, and there’s no reason not to test an extra time. Long story short, she's becoming a pro at taking pregnancy tests, but so far the single lines and minus signs are staying the same.

She says a silent prayer this one will be an exception.

Plastic cap off, pee for five seconds, plastic cap back on, lay the test flat and wait while trying not to freak out. She manages all steps but the final.

She carries the little plastic stick out to the living room coffee table gently as if it had been made of glass.

“Three minutes,” she informs Jake, and he nods while she sets a timer on her phone. In three minutes, they'll know whether her good feeling is right or dead wrong, and the nausea increases but this time Amy thinks it's nerves.

She doesn't want to stare, but she does anyway, waiting for a second line to appear no matter how faint. Jake sits up next to her, taking her hand and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, and she manages a weak smile without lifting her eyes from the test.

The timer goes off without a second line appearing.

Amy lifts the test to inspect it closer, but there's not even a hint of anything. She gives it to Jake for a second opinion, and he inspects it just as closely before shaking his head and mumbling a quiet sorry, babe.

She's not pregnant this month either.

“It’s okay, Ames. Three months is nothing.”

She doesn’t realize there are tears in her eyes until they’re trailing down her cheeks and Jake’s hand is there, wiping them away. She presses on his wrist to move it, make him stop because she’s not okay and she doesn’t want him pressuring her to feel anything but the searing disappointment coursing through her veins.

“It’s not,” she says, shaking her head. “I just feel so stupid. I thought I was feeling something.”

“You’re not stupid,” he tells her, and the tenderness in his voice erases her annoyance. “You want this really bad. I do, too, but… well, it’s not my body.”

“Not your body being a massive failure.”

“Hey!” Jake holds up one hand like he’s making a stop motion. “No one talks that way about my wife!”

“Ha-ha.”

“I’m serious! You don’t get to say those things, okay? You know it’s not true.” She hums a doubting sound, and he sighs, placing his arm around her shoulders. “Ames, we’ll just try again. We already did a great job once, and there are moments I wish we hadn’t, because if we didn’t have a toddler in daycare I would be so much healthier… okay, I still don’t regret it,” he adds. “Except maybe the daycare part, because I swear I’m sick all the time.”

“You love our daycare! Without it, you’d never get to eat that Scientology-guy’s chocolate chip cookies at every parent meeting.”

“Fair point. Craig, right? Weirdly good baker. Fine - I guess I don’t regret the daycare either. But you’re about to.”

This time, she’s the one squinting at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Still feeling nauseous?”

“Kind of, why are you… oh, no.”

“Oh, yes. Your immune system isn’t undefeatable!”

“It’s still better than yours,” she counters, and Jake just grins.

“But not undefeatable.”

She gives him a slow nod, trying to hide the despondency on her face as she takes the negative test from his hands.

“I’m just going to throw this away.”

Amy is certain of it when she wakes up three hours later, almost throwing herself out of bed to make it to the bathroom in time - January is officially and unquestionably hell.

#my writing #b99 #brooklyn 99 #brooklyn nine-nine #peraltiago #jake x amy #b99 fic #brooklyn 99 fic #brooklyn nine-nine fic #b99 fanfiction #brooklyn nine-nine fanfiction #jake x amy fic #jake x amy fanfiction #peraltiago fic #peraltiago fanfiction #sorry for being so rude about january don't take it personally if you love january #it's just.. everyone's sick

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janeaustenwasmybezziemate-arch · 5 years ago

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what unit knows about clara os.wald through her therapy sessions with unit-employed psychotherapist laura felterman, spanning january 2015 to july 2015, with a focus on her sessions regarding enyo

- clara blames herself fully for the murder of danny p.ink, as clara learned who killed danny in the first place. she also feels responsible for essentially pulling the plug on him. (the supplemental notes by laura and a Researcher(tm) she’s paired with connect clara’s session to missy’s promised land and the cybermen attacks of october 11, 2014) - what happened on christmas 2014 and how clara tried to kill herself to remain in a vivid dream sequence, along with how that adventure was why she and the doctor started again (supplemental: a link to unit’s file on ‘dream crabs’, officially known as the kantrofarri, + a small note that every other name clara mentioned had been found dead on the morning of christmas 2014 with holes in their heads. there’s a photo of clara obviously taken without her knowledge, and the scar from the dream crabs is circled.) - clara’s Whole Echo Situation (supplemental: files on incidents with the doctor where one of the accounted deaths in each could potentially be one of her echoes. more pictures, one taken without her knowledge where there isn’t a single scar on her, one from her first visit to the black archive when she was 25 where she’s putting up with having her photo taken, and one from a week or two before the session aka her id photo. there are obvious differences in each one) - clara held an echo as she bled out in the snow. the doctor didn’t want her to see it, but she had to comfort her. (only supplemental note was marking down that she could make contact with echoes past dreams) - clara’s radioactive (supplemental: a note to geiger the chair next time clara comes in) - clara doesn’t have a good relationship with her family and it makes march 5th difficult (supplemental: noting that ellie was killed in the plastic alien attack of march 5, 2005 and that the doctor may have been present) - clara’s recurring nightmares: the timestream, the men on the submarine, and, when things are bad with the doctor, running out of air, slowly, and then being burned. she doesn’t explain why she has that last one past that it happens when she and the doctor aren’t doing well. (supplemental: a photo of clara on the submarine circa 1983) - clara feels an intense need to prove herself to the doctor and she doesn’t know why (supplemental: laura notes how often clara’s going with the doctor and how blasé she is about the danger. she doesn’t think clara’s going to survive the year if she keeps up at this rate.)

what unit knows about clara after the first post-enyo session: - clara’s basic account of what happened. it sounds very matter of fact, like she’s laying out unimportant facts. she goes from the phone call to her kidnapping to the threats to taking on the “goddess” (clara suspects she’s a telepathic and long living alien) immediately to casting her out and going home

what unit now knows about clara after the first few post-enyo sessions: - what being possessed by enyo felt like - clara doesn’t feel safe - she’s terrified that just casting enyo out wasn’t enough - WARNING FOR THIS BULLET POINT: A DESCRIPTION OF CLARA BEING TAKEN OVER BY THIS FORCE AND FEELING HELPLESS, THIS FORCE TAUNTING HER AFTER TAKING OVER CONTROL. her voice is scratchy but understandable when she goes ’i take the sleeping pills when ▇▇▇▇ stays over so i can skip the dreams but it’s not working as well anymore and i’m scared to take more because i’m a bloody paranoid idiot but god, laura, i can still hear her. she’s still laughing at me. when i fall asleep, she’s inside me again and she’s laughing at me and she’s controlling me and i can’t move, i just—i just have to watch and listen and feel it all happen. i can’t do anything about it, i can’t stop her, and the worst part is that it, um, it’s not a dream. it’s not a dream, it’s—i’m remembering it all, the only part that’s different is that she tacks on something new to the end. she, uh, she tells me that the doctor saving me once doesn’t mean anything, and that i—’ (a long pause, clara’s obviously been crying while giving this statement. she takes a shaky breath and a voice sam recognizes as laura’s speaks up. and that you what, clara?. another shaky breath. another pause.) ‘that i’m always going to belong to her. that she isn’t just… that she and i are bonded now and that she’ll get me back and that she won’t let the doctor stop us before the—the, um--- …i can’t remember. it’s a word like ritual, means the same thing, but i can’t remember. i usually wake up before she finishes that last part.’ WARNING OVER. - the family that runs the cult came on tv one time while ▇▇▇▇ was at the market grabbing food for her fish, harold. she locked herself in her bathroom and ran the shower so ▇▇▇▇ wouldn’t hear her throwing up when ▇▇▇▇ returned. - her head feels emptier than it has in years. - her scars feel oddly numb in some places. they’re burning like went she first entered the time stream in others. - she knows/thinks she's imagining it, but she feels like she's being followed and watched. she doesn't know how long the family was following her for. she supposes they could've started early.

what unit learns in the last session that clara talks about enyo - clara: i think i’m going to forget.  laura:  laura: i’m sorry?  clara: i’m going to forget the entire affair happened.  laura, laughing almost nervously: clara, that’s not how it works, this isn’t some childhood trauma, this all happened last—  clara: i know. i know. but i’m going to do it on purpose.  laura: oh, um—alright, i suppose. we can talk about it more next time.

#THE DOG IS BARKING. THE DOG WILL NOT STOP BARKING. WHAT DOES IT SEE THAT YOU CAN’T?#ask to tag #& mental *#& sensation *#& laura *#we love filler tags in this household #& unit *#suicidal tendencies tw #ptsd tw

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eurusholmmes · 6 years ago

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Abandonment Issues | 13th

It's just the two of you, long after the rest have gone. A girl and her box off to see the Universe.

Take a moment and think about this with me. If you google the specific definition of the term abandonment, it often refers back to this: a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. Key word here - left behind. You had known for quite a while about your issue with relationships and why you never seemed to be able to trust people, but you had never chalked it up to having acquired abandonment issues.

And you had never seen it as severe as it was with The Doctor.

You're standing in the doorway of the TARDIS when she finally brings it up -- the inevitable farewell to temporary companions -- as you have now arrived in Sheffield with the intention of sending Yaz, Ryan and Graham home. They'd had their adventures and wished to continue on with their normal lives while this lonely heart traveled the Universe and witnessed its infinite wonders from within the confines of a blue box.

The only true companion she'd ever had.

Your heart ached for The Doctor simply because you understood. You'd been abandoned, stabbed and cast aside by more people then you could count in your lifetime - excluding your family, who had been the only ones there for you during your adolescence and well into your early adult years. It was only after your parents had passed away that The Doctor had crossed your path, and you'd been with her ever since.

"There's no reason for you to stay here. I'm not a hero.. I'm not this person everyone makes me out to be."

“You're not just any old hero," You whispered, winding your arms around her torso as she sank into the warmth of your embrace. "You are the most magnificent being this Universe has ever seen. Your hearts outweigh the compassion of all humanity combined... and you never say no to people. That's why you're a hero, Doctor. It's because you care."

She had lost far too many people. Had been forced to watch, helpless to act as companions were ripped from her grasps. Two thousand years of losing everyone that ever mattered to you... You had no idea as to how she was still alive.

"Well, I s'pose this is it." Her thick Northern accent pulled you out of your trance, and you pull your lip between your teeth in anxious anticipation. She seemed oblivious to your presence just inside the TARDIS and instead kept her focus on the three companions before her. You couldn't hear Ryan and Yaz's responses, but the desperate attempt in veiling the pain in her expression was all the evidence you needed. "Got you back, guess we're done. Nice having you aboard."

"Thanks Doc."

You faintly recognized Yaz's voice as you now stood in the doorway, fingers nervously flexing as you slowly extended your hand to wrap it through her own. The Doctor softened when she caught sight of you, inching herself closer to the TARDIS to accept the gesture - something you had noticed over the past year or so calmed her significantly. Touch was the only way you'd gotten through to Twelve.

"Oh, y'know. Back in the box. There's loads to see."

"On your own?"

The Doctor opened her mouth, prepared to say yes, until she remembered you standing only a few feet away. You had never run, even when she'd given you every reason to do so. You smiled and laughed and brought so much joy to her life -- something she found was so entirely human -- and part of her wondered if you were finally ready to leave her now. Let her disappear within this ancient, blue box, never to be remembered by the people of Earth.

"I s'pose."

Tenderly running the pad of your thumb over her knuckles, the soft whisper of a familiar melody echoes in The Doctors mind - another trick she'd taught you about many months ago. The lyrics echo in her head like the words of a prayer, easing her panic into peace as they resonate deep within her.

You are not alone, I've been here the whole time singing you a song

I will carry you

"You wanna come for tea at mine?"

The Doctor wrenches you out of the TARDIS before you can argue, arm loosely wrapped through your own as her entire face lights up at the invitation. "Definitely! I love tea. Tea at Yaz's, amazing." You follow hot on the heels of the three people before you, abnormally quiet as you pondered how to approach the topic. You can hear her laughter and see that ethereal smile in your peripheral vision, but everything around you seems to be white noise.

It's The Doctor squeezing your hand that draws your attention back to her. "Y/N, are you alright? You've gone quiet on me. That's never a good sign."

Was it wise to bring it up? To very bluntly remark that this ancient Timelord that was constantly attached to your hip, no matter where you went, that she had the same issues you did? That you feared relationships and thus distanced yourself from people so you wouldn't be able to be hurt anymore? How wounded you were that she actually believed you'd leave her, after all this time?

"I've always wondered why I was so drawn to you." The Doctors neck cranes to hear your voice, her focus now entirely on you as you pull her closer to your side, arms still intertwined with one another. "At first I thought it was because you offered me the Universe. Who can refuse an offer like that? To see what so many are deprived of, an infinite Universe with so much more in store then we can comprehend. And the longer I've been with you, the more I've realized it's because I'm utterly terrified at the thought of leaving you."

Her breathing stutters in her chest, and The Doctor calls out to Ryan that you two will catch up just before you stop in the middle of the courtyard. "Y/N-"

You are unable to halt the impending confession and choose to continue, gently cradling her hands in your own. "Then it occurred to me. Why does this ancient time traveller, who could have her pick of the mill when it comes to human companions, put up with this human? Why me? What is so special about me?"

"Everything!"

"And while I believe you," The Doctor exhaled slowly as she saw your lips begin to quiver, the words you were unable to say faltering on your tongue. "Just now, I saw the pain in your face. The grief and the heartbreak and the dread of being left alone again. After Clara, after Bill- You've been abandoned and lost your companions so many times that the thought of being alone terrifies you." Her head falls to her chest in that moment of realization, bright eyes dimmed by the weight that sat upon her shoulders, unable to meet your own as her grip slackened. "Did you really think I was gonna leave you?"

Bang. Like a bullet to her hearts. Such a simple question but one that carried so much desperation.

"I don't want you to leave me." Her reply is sincere, without hesitation. "You're right. I've lost too many people, seen so many die, and I'm exhausted. It's a constant fear, this is. The fear of making relationships, of being vulnerable. After two thousand years of living, I have never had the luxury of outrage, much less vulnerability. But you," Your eyes soften as her lips quirk upward in the hint of a smile, a sight you've come to love in the time you've known The Doctor. "You make this all worth while. The memory, the laughter, the joy you've brought into my life... That's not something a sentimental fool like myself can repay."

The longer you thought about it, the more it made sense. Those people who had left your life would always be a part of you, but there came a time and season for everyone. And currently? Your season was at the side of this lonely Time Lord and her brilliant, shining companions.

"Well, after all the people who've left me... I was given a great gift when you came across my path. Now give me a hug, woman." You demanded. "That's the best gift you can give."

You weren't prepared for the caliber of her hug, nearly knocked off your feet as she threw herself into your arms. She was much shorter this time around, able to wrap her legs around your waist as the two of you stumbled about the courtyard. Quivering fingers wound their way to the base of your neck as you buried your face in her shoulder, inhaling the very scent of time that lingered on her skin.

"Don't go." Her lips breathed right in your ear, sending a shiver down your spine. "Please."

You feverishly shook your head as you sat her back on the ground and lightly tapped your nose with the end of your finger.

"Never."

#thirteenth doctor x reader #thirteenth doctor fanfiction #thirteenth doctor #doctor who x reader #doctor who imagines #doctor who oneshots #Kayla Grace writes imagines

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sockablock · 6 years ago

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Chapter 4: Shifting through the Wheat

Just as suddenly as they had come, Caleb’s panicked and desperate cries stopped. His breathing eased, his shoulders relaxed, and his eyes creaked open.

He looked up into the concerned faces of Jester and Fjord, staring down at him intently.

He squinted and rubbed his eyes. “What…what just happened?”

Jester carefully helped him sit up, leaning him against the log and brushing the hair away from his face. He seemed to lean into her touch, and whimpered slightly when she pulled away.

“You were…in pain, we think,” she said slowly. “Uh…how do you feel?”

He prodded his forehead hesitantly. “I…I think I’m okay? I’m, um, not sure. I think something was…happening somewhere? But, but it stopped now.”

“Something was happening?” Fjord repeated. “What do you mean?”

The boy frowned. “I…I don’t know.” He rubbed his eyes again and looked at the adults with frustrated, terrified confusion. “It was just…it was just a weird feeling. Like the whole world was…wrong.”

Fjord and Jester exchanged glances.

“…wrong?” she prompted gently. “Can you tell us anything…more about that?”

Caleb shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said. “That’s…that’s it. I don’t, um…”

He reached up and wiped at the tears under his eyes, sniffling quietly. “Can…can I go home?” he asked. “I just… would just really like to go home, now.”

Fjord glanced at Jester, who nodded. He turned back to Caleb with a soft nod. “Of course,” he said, and reached out a hand. “Come on, kid. I’ll give you a ride on my shoulders?”

Caleb responded with a weak, tiny smile. “Ja,” he said softly. “Ja okay, that sounds like fun.”

•

Just as Nott and Caduceus were about to go sprinting off towards town to look for the others—weapons in hand and spells humming on their tongues—they looked up and saw the sky above changing again.

Wisps of pale blue were swirling around over the outer rim of the inky black tear, growing stronger, as if an invisible hand were carefully painting in the missing hues and repairing this picturesque landscape. Clouds started to bloom across the sky. The sun’s rays brightened the air, and within seconds the sky had healed, and there were no traces left of the terrible darkness beyond.

Neither of them moved. After a moment’s pause, Nott spoke:

“You know, uh, we used to have a saying back in my clan.”

“Oh? What was it?”

“Loosely translated? When the shit’s cleared away, the smell still lasts.”

Caduceus considered this. He looked down at Nott.

“It was mostly used to justify needlessly bloody vengeance,” she admitted, “but I think it might also apply in this situation.”

Caduceus nodded slowly. “In that case, I think we should probably find the others, yeah?”

“…yeah. Let’s do Beau and Yasha first. I think they’re closer by.”

•

They were, as it happened, both neck-deep in the nearby fields, crouched down and frantically shifting through the wheat. Beau was shouting something wild and incomprehensible, and Yasha’s face was a mask of stoic calm. For those that knew her well, it betrayed just how confused and terrified she felt.

“What’s up?” Nott called as they approached. She had her hood up, tried to draw as little attention to herself as possible by hiding behind Caduceus. Oddly enough, nobody around them seemed to be paying them any mind. Instead, all the farmers were looking down, moving rhythmically, completely absorbed in their work. They didn’t react in the slightest to the goblin and the firbolg barreling past. They didn’t even remark as loose grain flew through the air. And even when Nott tripped and fell in front of one man, he stared right through her as if she weren’t there.

In any other situation, it would have been a relief. But right here, right now, after everything else, it was terrifying.

Luckily, Beau and Yasha immediately acknowledged their arrival.

“Thank the gods you’re here,” Beau said. “Something really fucking creepy just happened.” She pointed down into the wheat. “A guy was just, like, eaten by the ground.”

Caduceus shrugged. “That’s not creepy,” he said, “that’s part of the natural cycle of life and death.”

Beau groaned and went back to kicking around broken stalks, muttering something under her breath about clueless hippies, don’t know how to communicate—

Yasha sighed. “It was not like you are thinking,” she said. “It was almost as if…as if the earth beneath him opened up and swallowed him whole. He was just standing here a moment ago, and then he vanished.”

Without even missing a beat, Nott immediately scrambled up onto the first thing she could find, which happened to be Caduceus. He took this in stride, calmly allowed her to cling to the back of his armor like a panicked koala.

“What the fuck?!” she yelled. “What?”

“Like I said,” Beau grumbled. “Creepy.”

“Did that happen when the sky ripped open?” Nott demanded. “Are we going to die now? Is the ground going to eat all of us?”

“Yes,” said Caduceus. “Eventually.”

“Gods above,” said Beau.

Nott rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Hang on, hang on,” Yasha held up a hand. “When the sky did what?”

“When it ripped open,” Nott repeated. “What, did you not see that?”

“We were kind of too busy to notice,” Beau snapped. “We were dealing with a disappearing farmer.”

“Now, now,” Caduceus said, “let’s all take a deep breath and not say anything we’d regret.”

“The only thing I’d regret is—”

“Beauregard,” Yasha said, and Beau reluctantly settled down.

“The disappearing farmer is something that I would not want to leave unaddressed,” Yasha said, “but if you two were also experiencing strange things, then we should go find the others. What if something happened near them as well? What if they are in danger? We cannot leave them alone.”

“Shit, yeah,” Beau said. “Plus they’re with tiny Caleb now too, right?”

Nott’s eyes went wide. “Fuck,” she said.

Yasha and Beau both stood and wiped the dirt off their pants.

“Come on then,” said Beau. “We should hurry.”

•

They all sprinted into view just as Fjord was helping Caleb off his shoulders at the edge of the dirt road leading up towards the Widogast home. Caduceus was completely out of breath, and after spending the last fifteen minutes in what felt like a horror story, the rest didn’t feel much better off.

“There you are,” said Yasha, coming to a halt along the path. “We were worried about you.”

“Worried?” Jester asked. “Why were you worried?”

“Did you guys miss it too, then?” Beau asked, and Fjord sighed.

“You’re gonna have to slow down and back it up,” he said. “What’s wrong?”

“The sky was wounded,” Caduceus said. “A large hole opened up right above us. Beau and Yasha believe a man was eaten alive by grass.”

Fjord, Jester, and Caleb stared at him. Slowly, as one, they turned towards the girls for an explanation.

“It sounds very insane,” Yasha agreed. “But he is telling it exactly as it happened.”

“This whole place is fucked up!” Beau said. “The sky is falling, and Max got swallowed by some—”

Caleb piped up. “Who’s Max?” he asked.

She stopped. She stared. “What?”

Caleb’s bright curiosity faltered under her intense gaze. “Um…” he said, “…um…I just wanted to know who Max is. That’s alright, right?”

“What are you talking about?” Beau asked. “How do you not know who Max is?”

Caleb shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know,” he said. “Is he new to this town?”

“He is not,” Yasha said. Her eyes narrowed slowly. “He has lived here his entire life.”

“Hey,” Jester said, now also watching Caleb intently, “Beau, before Max disappeared, is there any chance that you were asking him a bunch of questions?”

“Not really,” she shrugged. “It was mostly just one question.”

“But over and over again,” Yasha pointed out.

“Ah,” Jester said. “I see.”

“Caleb?” Fjord asked, catching on, “are you sure you don’t remember who Max is?”

“No,” he said, and shifted again. “No, I am sorry.”

Jester gave him a reassuring pat on the hand. “It’s okay,” she said. “Don’t worry about it.”

Yasha looked down at Caleb from her towering height. “Boy, do you know a child in this town named, I believe, ‘Charlotte’?”

He nodded immediately. “Ja,” he said. “I play with her all the time.”

“And do you know someone named Emilia?” Beau immediately asked. “Or another girl called Lena?”

He nodded again. “Ja, I do. Emilia is old now and doesn’t have time to spend with us anymore, and Lena is really little. They are sisters.”

“You know them well?” Yasha asked. “Are you friends with them?”

“I think so,” Caleb shrugged. “I’m friends with everybody, I think.”

“Who’s their dad?” Beau asked. “What’s his name?”

Caleb opened his mouth to answer, and then hesitated. He met Beau’s inquisitive stare with wide, confused eyes. “They…er…their mama’s name is Clara,” he said haltingly.

Beau shook her head. “Their dad,” she said. “What about him?”

Caleb frowned. “Their…their dad?”

“Yes,” said Yasha. “What is his name?”

“I don’t…I…they don’t have a dad,” he said. “I…I would know, right?”

“It’s Max,” Beau huffed, and crossed her arms. “Come on, kid, connect the dots.”

“But…but I don’t know a Max,” Caleb murmured. “Max…doesn’t exist?”

He blinked. His puzzled expression was wavering, flickering, now twisting into something scared and small and helpless and instantly, horrifyingly, recognizable to Jester and Fjord. They moved forward just in time to catch him, and gently lowered him to his knees.

And then, once again, there was that same dissonant chord, streaking through the air and slicing at their ears. Nott and Caduceus both looked up grimly and right there, above their heads, was another rip in the sky. The others looked up, and their eyes went wide.

Caleb squeaked. “What…what is that?” he asked.

“Fuck me,” said Fjord. “You all…you weren’t kidding, huh?”

“It must be because we’re poking holes in his world,” Beau realized. “That must be causing this.”

“But what does that mean?” Nott whispered. “And what do we do about it?”

“I don’t really know,” Fjord said, “but I’m guessing—”

The door to the Widogasts’ home burst open.

Two figures appeared on the front steps. It was Caleb’s mother and father, who immediately strode swiftly across the grass and up to the dirt path to where the Mighty Nein stood around a kneeling Caleb.

“Ah,” said his mother. “You’ve brought him home.”

“Thank you,” said his father. “Just in time for lunch.”

The group looked up. And then they all frowned at the bright and sunny afternoon sky above them.

“What the shit?” said Beau.

“There…it’s fixed?” said Jester.

“Come on,” said Caleb’s mother, ignoring them. “Say goodbye to your friends.”

“We made your favorite food,” said Caleb’s father, then stepped forward to help the boy get to his feet. “You must be exhausted, after learning so much magic today.”

Caleb nodded. And though he was still feeling rather unsettled, he looked relieved at the sight of his parents. He turned to the Nein with a hesitant smile.

“Thank you, um, for teaching me today,” he said. “It was pretty fun before…before all the weird stuff started happening.”

His mother reached out a hand, and Caleb took it.

“It was nice seeing you all once more,” she said.

“Please, feel free to come back tomorrow,” his father said.

“Hang on, hang on,” Beau said. “You can’t just…take him away. We were in the middle of something! Not to mention that, that the…the sky was gone before! Why aren’t we talking about that?”

“Nonsense,” said his mother.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said his father.

“It was, though,” Caleb said hesitantly. “It was…a little scary.”

His mother gave him a pleasant, blank smile. “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “We’re here now.”

“Um…are you sure?” Caleb asked. “Will it happen again?”

“Of course not,” his father said.

“What an imagination you have,” his mother said, and pulled him forwards. “Come on now. Time to go home.”

Caleb opened his mouth to say something, but his father gave him a stern look.

“Listen to your mother now,” he said.

“You wouldn’t want to disappoint us, would you?” they asked in unison.

The boy’s hand instantly went limp. “No,” he sighed, and dropped his chin. “Verzeihung.”

With that, his parents turned, Caleb in tow, and began to walk away. Fjord quickly looked back at the others and mouthed, somebody do something!

Beau immediately nodded. And before anybody else could stop her, before anybody could even react, she wound her arm back and threw herself forward and decked Mrs. Widogast across the face with the force of her entire body.

Of course, the woman went flying backwards. Her hand broke away from Caleb’s and she dropped to the ground like a broken doll.

Many things happened next.

“What the fuck! Beau, why did you do that?!”

“What?! What?! I thought that’s what you wanted me to do!”

“No, godsdammit! I just, fucking hell, I thought you were going to say something?!”

“What was there to say? She was gonna kidnap him from us!”

“But why punch her?!”

“Come on, you saw how creepy they were too, right?! There’s no way that could have ended well! And besides, this isn’t even real!”

“It’s real to Caleb,” Jester hissed. “And now…”

The two remaining Widogasts were crouched down in the grass around the fallen form of Caleb’s mother. His father had a hand on the boy’s shoulder, and Caleb’s body was shaking.

He looked up. His face spoke of terror, and anger, and distress, and betrayal.

“Why did you do that?” he whispered. “Why did you attack Mama?”

His father wrapped and arm around Caleb and pressed his son close. “All of you, leave this place,” he said.

“Please,” said Nott, stepping forward, “please, just let us—”

Caleb screamed, eyes blowing wide. “It’s a goblin! Papa, help me, it’s a goblin!”

Nott froze. Something at the back of her mind shouted for her to move, to get out, to run away. But, mostly, she just felt numb. She couldn’t seem to control her body anymore.

The others immediately closed in and blocked her from view.

“She’s friendly,” Jester said, visibly distraught by the whole situation. “Just, just give us a second to expl—“

“Get out,” his father said. “Get…get out! Can’t you see how upset you’ve made him?”

“How upset we’ve made him?” Beau demanded. “It’s not fucking us! It’s this stupid, fucking world! Everything in here is fucked up and weird and it’s not even real! It’s not real! Wake up!” she shouted at Caleb.

“I know she’s yelling,” Caduceus said soothingly, “but you have to know by now that something is very wrong.”

“This has been going on for long enough already,” Yasha nodded.

“Think of Max,” Fjord added. “Think of the sky!”

“Think about us,” Jester begged. “Come on, you must remember us!”

Caleb was crying even harder now, tears streaking down his face. “I don’t…I don’t understand what’s happening!” he sobbed. “I don’t, I don’t—Papa, do something!”

Leofric Widogast cradled the back of his son’s head. His dark eyes bore into the imploring group, watched them move forward with a careful, calculating stare.

He glanced back down at his son.

And then he did something very odd.

“Vertraust du mir?” he asked.

Caleb nodded back frantically. “Ja, Papa, ja.”

Leofric smiled, and leaned down and pressed a kiss to his son’s forehead. When he pulled back, he was studying the boy’s face intently.

Caleb’s brow slowly furrowed with confusion. Then his eyes began to flutter. And then, out of nowhere, his head sagged and his shoulders fell and he slumped down into his father’s arms, completely unconscious.

And then, as one, the Mighty Nein experienced the strange sensation of a complete, overwhelming weightlessness.

The world around them went dark.

•

Fjord opened his eyes.

His vision was blurry, but he managed to struggle up into a sitting position. He groaned, and rubbed his face with his sleeve.

He paused.

He looked down.

This was not his usual armor.

Instead, he was wearing some kind of long, loose-flowing robe of pristine ivory-white, trimmed at the edges with a deep, dark blue. The bed where he was resting was completely foreign and bewildering as well—the sheets were some kind of thick, indigo fabric that was luxurious to the touch, and much more refined than anything Fjord had ever seen in his life.

“Well,” said a slow, low voice across the room. “I’ll admit it. This is weird.”

Fjord’s gaze darted up. Across this small room—similarly decorated with rich blues and purples, walls of dark wood and warmly carpeted floors—was another bed.

Atop it, a tall, lanky figure in another set of ivory and blue robes.

“Hey there, Fjord,” said Caduceus Clay. “Have you, uh, have you got any idea what’s going on, here?”

Fjord gingerly ran a hand through his hair. He shook his head.

“Alrighty then,” Caduceus nodded. “That’s no problem. I figured I should ask, just in case.”

“Caduceus?”

“Yeah?

”He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fuck."

Caduceus nodded sympathetically. "Yeah,” he said. “I think I can see where you're coming from."

• • •

💚 ☕ ☕ 💚

#oh boy can you guys tell that this story is REALLY getting away from me #critical role #cr2 #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #jay writes #where all the dreamers go #the mighty nein #ensemble fic #critfic #text #long post

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shinyzango · 7 years ago

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It’s Christmas... and yet here I am writing about an angery boi pretending I’m good at writing.

I could honestly have drawn this since it’s super short, but 1) I was lazy and 2) I felt like it would work better in text. So... yeah, here it is. Also warning, there’s biting. Oooon flesh... *ahem*

It all happened too fast. The Mice jumped out from every corner and surrounded them.

Hans and Clara didn’t have the chance to prepare themselves that the vile rodents dragged them apart and proceeded to capture them.

Hans drew his sword, but a mouse disarmed him with ease, tossing his weapon away. The Nutcracker was starting to panic. The Mice ended up cornering him… He didn’t know what to do…

Suddenly a yelp ringed in his ears, causing his eyes to search over the rodents’ heads… and widen in shock. Clara was desperately trying to keep the Mice’s paws away from her. In doing that, their claws and weapons ended up wounding her arms and ripping her dress. The helpless girl soon found herself cornered as well, the rodents cackling in amusement as they approached her more and more.

Hans was frozen in place, his eyes still staring at Clara’s direction. His head went numb in that moment. He lowered his head, his hat shadowing his eyes from the Mice. The rodents noticed the strange behavior of the Doll and carefully approached him. But immediately backed away as the Nutcracker’s head snapped back up.

His eyes were completely white, almost empty-looking. His body was vibrating and twitching as his teeth were clutching close so hard that it seemed like his jaw was going to break for the force put into it.

Hans’ mind was completely clouded, a burning feeling growing from within him. He started snarling loudly, his breathing hissing through his teeth.

And then, he snapped. He opened his jaw all the way past the normal with a loud cracking sound as he let out an outraged scream. The Mice flinched at the loud scream, not noticing the Nutcracker dashing through the horde, chomping off anything in his way. And when he finally reached the Mice surrounding Clara, he jumped on them and started biting off their arms. The other Mice tried to help their comrades, attempting to take a hold on the rampaging Doll. But they soon realized that there was no way they were able to stop the Nutcracker, as he easily shoved off all the Mice trying to hold him still and chomp on their own arms too.

Clara could only watch in horror as things unfolded in front of her. She had no idea what got into Hans, but it was terrifying.

Eventually Hans jumped away from the wounded rodents, standing between them and his friend. His empty eyes dreadfully stared at the Mice, his barred teeth covered in blood as his body kept twitching.

Realizing they had no chance of winning at this point, the Mice decided to retreat, their wounded and missing arms leaving a red trail behind.

Clara felt relieved they were finally out of danger, but soon grew worried as she looked up at Hans. He was still standing in front of her, his back facing her. The girl felt a chill crawl up her back, but she had to check on him. So, carefully, she called him out. Clara jumped startled as Hans suddenly turned to look at her, still snarling. His breathing seemed to calm down a little, but he still had those empty eyes staring at her. Building up some courage, Clara inhaled for a moment and carefully raised a hand up. But she immediately retrieved it as the Nutcracker attempted to chomp her hand off. This was scary. Clara was trying her best to not back away from him… but she believed that Hans could snap out of whatever state he was in at the moment. So after calming down a little, she tried again, raising her hand back up. This time however, she started talking to him, reassuring that it was all fine. That they were safe now. That there was no more need of fighting.

As she talked to him, her hand managed to get in contact with his cheek. Hans’ twitching started to subside, his snarl dropping as he seemed to relax to the touch. And just like that, the Nutcracker dropped to his knees, out cold. Clara gasped in fear and dropped on her knees herself to check on him. But not knowing what to do, she simply sat on the ground and moved her unconcious friend’s head over on her lap.

Hopefully Hans would wake up soon… in the meantime Clara simply wondered to herself what happened just now.

...what can I say... I’m a sucker for this stuff. Let me have fun.

#my art #TheLastNutcracker #TLNoriginal #TLNwriting #TLNconcept

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hazownsmyass · 6 years ago

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Get to know me tag! (300 followers)

Because I recently got to 300 followers, I decided to post a little get to know me tag!

I thought of doing some more stuff for my 300, but I’m already on my way to 400 because somehow more people keep following me? Why?? So I guess I’ll do some more stuff at 400

For now I would just like to thank some people (who you should all follow) for always helping me, talking to me, or sharing my shit :)

@starksparker @parkersstark @thewiseandfree @addictionmarvel @upsidedownparker @h-osterfield @bisexualparkerr

And did you know I have another blog just for Marvel stuff, and not just Harrison? It’s over at @hazownsmymarvel If you wanna check it out that would be nice :)

I just got these questions from a random site, and I don’t expect anyone to really care about the answers, but apparently over 300 people care enough about my shit that they follow me so here goes!

Are you a morning or night person? Definitely a night person. I can’t do shit in the morning except sleep.

Are you afraid of the dark? Kind of? Like I won’t just get absolutely terrified if it gets dark, but I don’t feel comfortable.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? More of an extrovert. I like talking to people, and talking to strangers isn’t a big problem for me, but I like to have my alone time.

Are you double jointed? No ew (no offense but it kinda creeps me out)

Are you left or right handed? I am right handed

Are you more of a tidy person or a messy one? Messy AF. You should see my desk when it’s ‘tidied up’

Are you on time or always late? I’m always on time when it’s actually important, like school or if I need to catch a train. If it’s not that important, I’m always pretty late.

Are you ticklish? Hell yeah

Can you curl your tongue? Yep (totally had to check that)

Can you ice skate? FUCK NO. Everyone does it every winter where I come from, and we always went with school on the last day before Christmas break, but I am fucking terrible at it. I don’t even want to learn it though so I never set a foot on the ice. The last three years I haven’t even put on skates.

Can you wiggle your ears? Not willingly. Like they can wiggle at certain moments but they just do that on their own.

Coffee or tea? Tea all the way.

Cookies, cake or donuts? Cake

Did you ever participate in a talent show? Nope, because I’m not talented lol

Did you go to prom? We don’t have that here :/

Did you like school? Yes and no. Some parts were great, like my friends and certain teachers, and some parts were horrible, like homework and certain other teachers.

Do you believe in ghosts? No, but I won’t deny their existence if I see one.

Do you bite your nails? Nah

Do you consider yourself a good cook? I get by (I seriously just accidently typed bi) but you don’t want me to cook for you.

Do you enjoy dancing? If no one’s looking yeah, or if I’m a little tipsy

Do you enjoy DIY or crafts? I haven’t done anything like that in years, because everything I make with my hands winds up looking like a 4 year old made it oops

Do you forgive easily? Very easily. I believe everyone deserves multiple chances, and deserves redemption. I could even forgive Thanos some day if he really changed his ways.

Do you have a nickname? My friends call me whore (in a loving way)

Do you have any allergies? No but I recently had a weird reaction to what we thought to be a musquito bite, but I haven’t had anything like it before, or since.

Do you have any phobias? I have a fear of missing out, and a fear of not doing enough. I feel like I want to do and become everything I can in the world but there isn’t enough time in life and I have a hard time accepting that.

Do you have any piercings or tattoos? Nope

Do you have children? Nope, but shoutout to all parents out there who try

Do you have pets? I have a goldfish :)

Do you have siblings? I have 2 sisters

Do you prefer dogs or cats? DOGS

Do you prefer Mac or PC? PC

Do you prefer the beach or the mountains? Beach anyday

Do you prefer to bath or shower? I haven’t had a bath in years because we only have a shower, so I honestly don’t know

Do you sing in the shower? When no one’s home, I sometimes hum or sing softly

Do you smoke? No, and I think it’s really disgusting if someone smokes. Like, it’s your choice of course, but you ain’t coming near me with that.

Do you speak any different languages? I speak Dutch and English, I can understand some German and speak a little too, but hardly.

Do you still have your wisdom teeth? They weren’t pulled, but not everyone gets them right?

Do you still watch cartoons? Hell yeah. Both Avatar cartoons are still some of the best things to come to this earth.

Do you/have you played any sports? I used to do archery

Does your name have a special meaning? Nope, my parents just liked it.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Not where I actually had to stay or anything. All my hospital visits were ‘voluntarily’

Have you ever been on a diet? Nope

Have you ever been to a concert? I’ve never bought tickets to go to a specific concert but I went to a festival which had several major concerts.

Have you ever gone camping? Yeah and I hate it ugh

Have you ever met any celebrities? I saw Steven Moffat having dinner with his wife ones, but his wife looked at me like she did not want me to disturb them, so I left them to eat in peace.

Have you ever skipped class? Yeah, but in classes where I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble.

Have you ever won something? Probably? Can’t think of anything big now

Have you had braces? Yeah and they were awful.

How are you feeling right now? I’m alright, but my fingers are getting tired from writing all these answers.

How tall are you? 1.92 m (6′3.5″)

If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday? A house, because I want to move out but finding an affordable place here is near impossible.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? London probably. Or Brooklyn, or Amsterdam.

Were you ever a scout or a brownie? No? What’s a brownie? Other than a treat.

What city were you born in? Amsterdam

What did you last eat? Mac and Cheese

What did you want to be when you were younger? Everything really. From a physicist to a policeman to an astronaut.

What do you do on a typical Friday night? I’m at home most nights because of school, but now that school’s finished I might go out more :)

What is one food that you refuse to eat? Chicory

What is one item on your bucket list? Meet Harrison

What is one item you can’t live without? My phone

What is your shoe size? EU: 43 US: 9.5-10

What movie have you watched repeatedly? Captain Americ: Civil War

What phone do you have (Apple or Android)? Android. It’s an LG, but I need a new one.

What should you be doing right now? Writing a job application

What’s one goal you would like to accomplish this year? Come out to my mum and my sisters.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Tourists that don’t appear to understand the concept of sidewalks.

What’s the last song you’ve listened to? Does soundtrack count? I’m listening to ‘Charge!’ by Alan Silvestri as I’m writing this answer.

What’s the most expensive item of clothing that you own? I honestly have no idea. I don’t remember how much everything is worth, because it’s all pretty cheap. I guess my coat is more expensive than the rest but coats are always more expensive.

What’s the thing you can’t leave the house without? My phone, again. I’m helpless without it.

What’s your best physical feature? I like that I tan pretty easily

What’s your Chinese sign? I’m a dragon

What’s your current obsession? Marvel, but that’s not new.

What’s your dream car? I don’t really know, but most sports cars are really awesome

What’s your favourite animal? Penguins and dogs

What’s your favourite book? I haven’t really read books for fun in a long time, so I don’t think I have a single favourite book, but all Harry Potter’s are great.

What’s your favourite colour? Dark blue or dark green

What’s your favourite dessert? Tiramisu is incredible when done right

What’s your favourite drink? Non-alcoholic: Fanta Alcoholic: Vodka

What’s your favourite food? Pizza

What’s your favourite foreign food? Pizza is technically foreign

What’s your favourite gadget? My smartphone is my everything

What’s your favourite hobby? Is Netflix a hobby? Then Netflix. If not, it’s anything to do with film.

What’s your favourite movie? Captain America: Civil War, or Wall-E

What’s your favourite restaurant? Well it’s a small place that’s just a stand alone business, so probably none of you know it because it’s like 200 m form my house haha

What’s your favourite sandwich? I don’t eat sandwiches all that often

What’s your favourite season? Summer

What’s your favourite series? Doctor who is the best

What’s your favourite snack? Crisps

What’s your favourite sport to watch? Figure skating

What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast? I usualy have toast but I prefer a fried egg with bacon.

What’s your full name? Wouldn’t you like to know?

What’s your longest relationship so far? Not even a month lol

What’s your lucky number? I don’t really have one? 8 is nice I guess. Or 12.

What’s your star sign? I’m a libra

When is your birthday? The 24th of september

Which city did you grow up in? Amsterdam

Which city do you live in now? Amsterdam

Who do you miss right now? Clara Oswald <3

Who is your celebrity crush? Harrison Osterfield of course

Who’s your favourite fictional character? Clara Oswald <3

That’s it! Thanks for following me, and I love you :)

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captainswanatk · 7 years ago

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Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV) Rating: Mature, for future chapters Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan Characters: Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones Summary: Once upon a time a princess fell in love with a pirate and together they started a family. This is a series of oneshots about their lives together. There’s some fluff and some drama and maybe a couple of monsters. But Emma and Killian wouldn’t trade their life for anything. This is all they ever really wanted.

AO3 ff.net

Nightmares and Storms: Emma and Killian’s youngest daughter, Clara, is plagued by nightmares that cause her to wake up screaming. Night terrors. That’s what Archie called them. This is the aftermath of one such dream.

It seemed as though the world was ending. That’s how violent the storm was, what with the flashes of lightning that lit up the pitch black sky and the claps of thunder that often sounded as though someone had fired a cannon on the roof. Rain simply poured out of the sky. It was the kind of storm that made sleep nearly impossible. Especially for Storybrooke’s youngest residents. Many of whom had woken up calling for their parents. Then there were those who were locked in nightmares they couldn’t escape.

Such was the case for Clara Marie Jones who tossed and turned violently in her bed as she dreamed of a horde of monsters. It was a dream that she had had many a time before. She dreamed that she was stuck in the muddy bank of a raging river that was so dark that it looked like black ink. A river that the monsters who trying to drag her into. In her dream, she reached out and tried to find purchase in the thick mud.

It was no use.

Her feet were in the water now and it was freezing. She called out for help, but no one answered. Not her father. Not her mother. Not either of her siblings. It was just her and her monsters and that terrifying river. Her fingers left tiny trenches in the thick mud as she was pulled farther and farther in. Clara took a deep gulp of air.

And woke up screaming.

The dream had been so vivid, as all of her nightmares were. She could still feel the mud under her fingertips. She could feel the claws of those awful monsters tearing at her. She could feel the iciness of the water. It was always like this. It always took her a while to come out of the dream completely. As if the nightmares never wanted to let her go.

Slowly, too slowly, the nightmare started to fade. She clutched her beloved stuffed duck, Jolly, as she looked around her room with wide eyes. She gasped for air as her heart pounded inside her chest. Tears were streaming down her face as she realized that she was not, in fact, in a river but in her own bed. The realization did little to calm her down. Not when she could remember everything so clearly. Not when the rain and thunder made it sound like her house was surrounded by monsters.

Clara scrambled out of her bed, hugging Jolly tightly to her chest and made for her bedroom door. Only to skid to a stop as she heard the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. She let out a terrified screech as she ran towards her closet instead, sliding the door open and diving inside. She took a moment to slide it back closed before scooting into the corner, convinced that one of her monsters had snuck into the house and was coming for her. She clamped her hands over her face and rocked back and forth. Maybe this was it. Maybe her nightmares were finally coming true.

“Bloody hell.” Killian Jones muttered as he peered out into the storm. He’d been lounging on their living room couch attempting to read when his wife had called to say that she was going to wait out the storm at her parents’ house. Emma had gone out to dinner with her mother and Henry was staying with Regina for the week so it’d just been Killian and his and Emma’s two daughters: Catalina and Clara. Aged six and four, respectively.

It’d been a fun evening - at least until this blasted storm had started. They’d had a nice dinner that was followed by a viewing of the animated version of Cinderella and then it came time for the girls to go to bed. Teeth were brushed and faces were washed and then he’d read them a story before tucking them into their respective beds.

By Killian’s estimation, they had been asleep for about an hour before the storm started. Before all hell had broken loose outside. He shook his head at the rain, trying to remember the last time he’d seen a storm this bad. He briefly considered going back to his book, but thought better of it and decided to check on his girls instead. It was only a matter of time before the storm woke one or both of them. He’d just put his foot on the first step when he heard a scream.

His heart leaped up into his throat as he took the stairs two at a time. The following scream chilled him to the bone as he raced to Clara’s room. He knew that it’d been her who had screamed. Catalina was certainly no stranger to bad dreams, but Clara’s were altogether different. They’d started when she was around two years old and had quickly gotten bad enough that they’d been forced to turn to Archie, hoping that he’d be able to help their little girl.

Night terrors. That’s what Archie called them. Their sweet Clara was being plagued by night terrors, though they hadn’t been able to pinpoint what had made them start. It’d been nearly two years and none of them knew how to make them stop. There were things they could do to help, however.

“If she wants to talk about her dreams, let her. But don’t push,” Archie had told them. “Forcing her to talk about them won’t help. It’s easier said than done, but when she has these dreams, she needs you to stay calm. Just let her know that you’re there for her. She needs reassurance. She needs to know that she’s safe. That she’s loved.” At this point, Archie had given them a sympathetic smile. “That should be easy for you two. You’re good parents. These dreams aren’t your fault.”

Remembering Archie’s advice, Killian forced himself to take a deep breath as he flung open Clara’s door. Staying calm was easier said than done. It was hard not to panic once either of them heard Clara scream. For such a small child, her lungs were shockingly powerful. Her screams were bloodcurdling. His baby was far too young to know this kind of fear. “Clara?” It took a concentrated effort not to shout.

Killian switched on her ceiling light as he scanned the room, noting that her bed was empty. Another deep breath. “Clara?” He bent down to peer under the bed. No Clara. His head shot up as he heard a whimper coming from the closet. He should’ve guessed.

“Clara, are you in here?” He slid open the closet door and crouched down. His heart sank as he spotted his little girl curled up in a little ball in the corner, trembling with her hands covering her face. “Oh my sweet girl,” he murmured sadly. He inched closer, approaching her the way one might approach a wounded animal. “Clara, it’s Daddy. You’re safe now.”

Killian watched as she slowly lowered her hands and eyes nearly identical to his own peeked out at him. “Daddy?” she asked, her voice shaking as she studied him. He gave her a small smile as her face lit up with recognition. “Daddy!” She flung herself into his arms and buried her face against his shoulder, sobbing.

At terrifying as her screams were, this might actually be the worst part of the night terrors, in his opinion. The moment when she completely dissolved into tears. Archie had said that the tears weren’t necessarily a bad thing; it was a way for her to purge the dream out of her system. The Cricket might have been right about that, but damn if that made it any easier to watch.

Killian had experienced all sorts of terrible things in his lifetime, but if there was one thing that could bring him to his knees it was the sound of any of his girls crying.

He couldn’t take it. Especially not when they were born of such horror. It made him feel helpless and Killian hated feeling helpless. Her grip on him tightened.

“Ssh, it’s all right now, darling. You’re all right. It wasn’t real,” he said softly. “It was just a dream.” He ran his hand down her dark brown locks soothingly. “A horrible, scary dream, I know. But it’s over now. You’re safe now. I’m here.” He kissed the top of her head. “Daddy’s got you.”

He began rocking her, the storm nearly forgotten as he focused his attention on calming his daughter. She slowly stopped trembling and her sobs became quieter, much to his relief. He carefully pried her away after another minute or two, just enough so that he could see her face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, bringing his hand to her face so he could gently wipe away some of her tears. She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment while she considered his question. Killian waited patiently, heeding Archie’s advice not to push.

“There were m-monsters,” she said quietly, her voice shaking on some of the words. “A bunch of them. Th-they were trying to p-pull me into the water.” A violent shudder shook her small frame. “It was c-cold and the ground was m-muddy. I c-called for help, but you d-didn’t come.” Her lip quivered. “You didn’t come.”

“Oh Clara.” He hugged her close again and struggled to speak over the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry.” It was his turn to whisper. “I’m so sorry, darling.”

“It’s okay,” she said after a moment. “Y-you’re here now.”

“Aye, lass,” he agreed, drawing her back so he could see her face again. “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

“P-promise?” Her voice sounded so small to his ears.

“I promise,” he assured her. He was rewarded with a tiny smile.

“I love you, Daddy.” Four words that he would never tire of hearing.

“Not as much as I love you, little one.” He kissed her forehead, smiling when she responded by hugging him again.

“Daddy?”

Killian looked up at the sound of his elder daughter’s voice. He turned his head to find Catalina standing in her sister’s doorway, a concerned expression on her face. While Clara had inherited his own coloring, Catalina had taken after her mother. She had the same blonde hair, the same green eyes and the same smile. She looked exactly how Killian imagined Emma had looked at that age.

“Yes, love?” He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised to see her awake. The storm was still raging, after all, though it seemed slightly less violent than before. Not to mention the way Clara had been screaming. If anything, it was a wonder she hadn’t woken sooner. Maybe she had, but he’d been too preoccupied with calming Clara to realize it. “Did the storm wake you?”

She hesitated a moment before shaking her head, her gaze flickering over to her sister. So it had been Clara’s screams that had done it. “The storm didn’t help,” she offered.

“No, I imagine it didn’t.” He smiled at her. “But it does seem to be calming down.” No sooner had the words left his mouth when there was a clap of thunder so loud that it made all three of them jump. Clara let out a shriek and Killian extended his left arm out just in time for Catalina to come rushing into it. She flung one arm around him and the other around her sister. “Okay, so maybe I was wrong.” He said it brightly, hoping to ease the tension a bit.

“I hate storms!” Catalina exclaimed.

“Me too,” Clara put in. “They bring out the monsters.”

“Aw Clara,” Catalina said sympathetically. There were so many things to love about his eldest daughter, but one of Killian’s favorites was the way she cared about her little sister. She’d ignore her own fear to help Clara with hers. “It’ll be okay! Have you forgotten? Our Daddy is Captain Hook! Those monsters are no match for him.”

As it happened, Killian had been attacked by a number of monsters over the years. Some of which had almost killed him, but better to keep that thought to himself. He was touched by the vote of confidence all the same. “That’s right. No monster would dare to step foot or tentacle in my house,” he declared. “A good captain keeps his crew safe and I am a very good captain.”

“You’re the best captain!” Catalina corrected.

“Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far,” he began. “But if you want to, who am I to argue?” He shot Catalina a wink, making her giggle. “Now. I don’t suspect that I’ll be able to get either of you back to sleep anytime soon. So there’s only one thing to do.”

“What?” Catalina asked, intrigued.

“Gather up all the pillows and blankets we can find and build a fort in the living room, of course,” he answered matter-of-factly.

“A fort? Are you serious?” Catalina wrinkled her nose. Clara stayed silent as she looked back and forth between her father and sister.

“What’s wrong with a fort, may I ask?” Killian challenged.

“Daddy.” It came out on a sigh. “Why build a fort when we can build a pirate ship instead?” She smirked at him, making him grin. She may have been a smaller version of Emma, but that expression? That was all him.

“Spoken like a true pirate,” he said, proudly. “That’s my girl. A pirate ship it is!”

“Yay!” Catalina cheered. “You’ll have to be the captain, but can I be your first mate?”

“You would be an excellent first mate,” he told her. She beamed at him. So far this distraction had worked to take Catalina’s mind off of the storm, but Killian wasn’t sure if it was helping Clara or not. She had stopped crying, which was good, but she’d made no move to let go of him.

Par the course with her night terrors. After the screams and with the tears came the clinginess. Archie had felt that this, too, was normal. After the scariness of the dream, she wanted the security of knowing she was safe. So she’d cling onto whichever parent she wanted until she felt safe enough to let go. Sometimes it didn’t seem to matter; she’d just hold onto whomever was the closest. Other times there’d be one of them she’d want in particular. Then there were the times where the dream had been so bad that she wanted them both.

That suited both him and Emma just fine. Truth be told, the cuddles seemed to help them almost as much as it helped her. He ran his hand down her hair again. “What about you, darling? Who do you want to be?” Unsure, Clara shot a look at her sister who was all too happy to help.

“She’s the Pirate Princess,” Catalina supplied. “And we’re taking her to see the Pirate Queen.”

“Mommy?” Clara asked.

“Mommy,” Catalina confirmed, though this made her frown. “Daddy? Where is Mommy?”

“She’s waiting out the storm at Grandma and Grandpa’s,” Killian told them, wincing when Clara’s face fell. “She’s okay. Mommy’s safe,” he assured her. “She may end up having to spend the rest of the night over there, but she’ll be back in the morning.”

“I hate storms,” Clara pouted. “I want Mommy!” Uh oh.

“That’s why we’re making the pirate ship,” Catalina cut in before Killian could speak. “So we can sail to Mommy. It might take all night, that’s all.” A pause as Catalina watched her sister. “Don’t worry, Clara. Daddy won’t let anything happen to our Pirate Princess.” She reached up to wipe away a tear that had escaped and was rolling down Clara’s cheek. “And I won’t either.”

“What a storm that was, huh?” It was early the next morning and Emma had just gotten home. The storm had stopped sometime after midnight, but it’d started raining again while Emma was driving home. She’d darted into the house and was hanging up her jacket as she spoke. She’d seen the living room light on and had assumed that Killian was already awake.

“If I’d have known it was going to be that bad, I would’ve had dinner with Mom some other time.” Emma headed into the living room, surprised into silence by the sight that greeted her.

It looked as if every pillow and blanket they owned had been piled up into a somewhat triangular formation on the floor in front of the couch. Killian and their two daughters were fast asleep in the middle of it. The girls were in pajamas, but Killian was still wearing what he’d worn the day before which told Emma that the storm must have woken the girls up before he’d gotten the chance to go to bed. This must have been his way to try to make them feel better.

Killian’s hook and brace had been discarded on the couch behind them. He had Clara curled up against his left side and Catalina against his right. Clara’s small hand was wrapped around his necklace as if to keep him anchored in place. Something Emma was prone to do herself. Clara’s beloved Jolly was on his stomach between the two sisters. Killian had his arms wrapped around his girls protectively and his head rested against Catalina’s.

The sweet scene before her made Emma smile even as tears pricked her eyes. Unable to resist, she dug her phone out of her jeans pocket and snapped a few pictures. Satisfied, she set her phone down on one of the end tables before nudging Killian’s foot with her own. She knelt down as she waited for him to wake.

He woke slowly, his first instinct to check on each of his daughters before looking up. A sleepy smile crept across his face as he drank in the sight of his wife. “Hello beautiful.”

“Hey handsome,” she responded, her smile widening. “What’s all this?” She gestured to the pile of blanket and pillows with her hand.

“Why, it’s a pirate ship, love,” he informed her. “And you call yourself my wife.” He gave her a look of mock disapproval. She chuckled as she shifted to take off her shoes.

“Well, in that case,” she started. “Permission to board, Captain?”

“Of course. The Pirate Queen is always welcome on my ship,” he answered. Emma lifted an eyebrow as she settled in behind Clara, keeping herself propped up on her elbow so she could look at him.

“I’m the Pirate Queen now?” she asked, amused.

“That’s right. I’m the Captain of this here vessel and this,” He patted Catalina’s shoulder. “Is my first mate and this,” A nod to Clara. “Is the Pirate Princess who we are taking to see the Queen. To find you.”

“I see.” Emma looked over her girls for a moment before speaking again. “The storm?”

“The storm,” Killian confirmed. “And I’m afraid to say that it gave our Pirate Princess one of her bad dreams.” Emma frowned, her gaze shifting to her youngest daughter.

“I knew I should’ve stayed home,” she sighed. “How bad was it?”

“Bad, but she’s okay. Emma.” He waited for her to meet his eyes again. “She’s okay.”

“I hate these dreams, Killian,” she sighed.

“I know,” he said gently. “I do too. But at least this one is behind us. She seems to be sleeping peacefully enough.”

“Yeah, because she’s holding onto her Daddy,” she said.

“Well, maybe that helps a bit,” he said, with a small smile.

“A lot. It helps her a lot,” Emma corrected him. She studied him for a moment. “Killian?” He lifted his eyebrows in response. “Thank you.”

“For what, love?” He asked, sounding a little confused.

“For being the kind of Daddy who will build his girls a pillow ship in the middle of the night to comfort them during a storm,” she said tenderly, reaching over Clara to press her hand to his cheek. “And then letting them use him as a pillow.” She waited a beat. “I think I’ll keep you.”

“I would despair if you didn’t.” He turned his head to kiss her palm. “It’s still pretty early yet. How about we get a little more sleep?”

“Sounds good to me.” Emma shifted until she found a comfortable position and settled her arm around Clara. The movement caused her to stir.

“Mommy?” She mumbled, her voice thick with sleep.

“Yes, baby, I’m here now,” Emma assured her.

“We’re both here,” Killian added. “Go back to sleep, darling. We’ve got you.”

#captain swan #cs #cs ff #killian jones #emma swan

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